Little Timmy and Little Bobby go to visit their grandmother in the country. Theyve been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household and are prone to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of cursing and swearing their grandmother cant take it anymore and goes to see her friend Maude and get some advice. What can I do about them swearing? says the grandmother, As far as Im concerned there is only really one thing you can do, says Maude, next time they swear just hit em good and hard and they wont do it again. I cant do that! says grandma, shocked at the thought, theyre my grandchildren! Look, says Maude, Itll teach em a good lesson mark my words. Anyway Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, And what would you like for breakfast? To which Bobby replies, Give me some of them Fucking cornflakes! Grandma lashes out with this big swing and knocks Bobby clean out of his chair. He sits on the ground looking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy, and what would you like for breakfast little Timmy? Timmy looks at his brother and then back to his grandmother and says, I dont know but you can bet your sweet arse it wont be fucking cornflakes!!
Archive for the ‘Foul Language’ Category
One day a kid was walking down the street and was getting all of these funny looks.He waent to his girlfriends house and her mom ansered the door.She screamed and said that he wasnt aloud to see her any more.When he went home more people were starring and laughing.As he walked to his room his mother said that he had to go to the doctor. He didnt know what she meant. When they got there the nurse got them in right away. As they were waiting for the doctor he glanced in the mirror.
Oh shit my nose looks like my dick but bigger! The Doctor came in and said that his body was making up for not being big in the pants.
121. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
122. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: Ones a bunch a cunning runts …
123 Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You dont let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
124. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
125. Q: Whats the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!
127. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?
A: Ones a busy ditch.
128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet wont follow you around after you use it.
129. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.
130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.
131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.
135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ?
A: Put either of em in a car and their fucked.
138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
139. Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
140. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Dont tell her to swallow.
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
Ive been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tommorow Ive got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, Ive got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
Ive had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles The eggnog is ready!
He looks all around and with total regret,
says Whats taking so long … arent you through in here yet??
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams MY GOD WOMAN, YOURE GOING INSANE!!
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit its the pies!! Theyre burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, Id rather be dead.
Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
Ill hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesnt work, ILL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
A blind man arrives at a lumber camp & asks for a job. The boss advises him due to the fact he is blind & lumber work is very dangerous there are no available postions. The blind man protests & advises the boss he is able to identify trees buy smell & could go out ahead of the cutting crew & mark whatever trees were to be cut that day.
The boss decides to give him a try & takes him out to the lumber yard outside. The first piece of wood he comes to he hands it to the blind man who then passes it under his nose & advises it Fir
The boss is impressed & picksup a second piece of wood.Again the blind man passes it under his nose & advises its Redwood. This continues all around the lumber yard & the blind man never makes a mistake. The secetary has seen this display & decides to throw a curve at this lumber expert. Taking a ruler she runs it between her legs & passes it to the foreman who inturn hands it to the blindman, he smells the ruler & appears confused, finally he advises he is not sure but its either Pussy Willow or a board off an Old Shit House.
A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of Londons finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.
Charles she bellowed.
What on EARTH have you been doing?
Thinking on his feet, he replied Oh…… a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evenings excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning.
Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that hed need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.
Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?
she asked.
Well he replied.
He hasnt appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but Ill give him three months in prison for sure.
Frankly Charles, I think youd better give him six months — hes shit in your trousers as well!
What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, Im sure youll agree, and its an absolute steal at only $20.
Why is it that cheap? the woman asks
Well, replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity
Oh, I dont mind that, said the woman, making her mind up, Im broad minded and itll be a laugh having a profane parrot.
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam
Im not a madam and this isnt a brothel says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and lets it drop.
A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home. A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes says the parrot when he sees the daughters. Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, were not prostitutes complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the womans husband comes home. Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin, Dave? says the parrot.
Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.
Id like a new bike says Donny. Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood.
And Id like a radio for my room says Johnny. Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town.
So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
I gotta go tell Mom says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts Mom! Theres been a terrible accident!
Yeah, yeah says his brother, We heard all about it on my new radio.
Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.
Wow! I gotta go tell Mom.
So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says We heard it all on my new radio.
Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks I gotta go tell Mom!
He races home and yells Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!
His brother says with a sneer, In a pigs ass you did!
And Donny says That FUCKIN radio!!!
I guy comes running into his home to greet his wife. Hunney, hunney, pack your bags, I just won the lottery. She gasps with excitement and replies, should i pack for warm or cold weather? he replies, I dont care, just get the fuck out.