Old Jokes | New Jokes

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?

Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying Id like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said Id like a Picket to Tittsburgh. And then she socked me one.

First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said:

You ruined my life you fuckin bitch!

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, three Laotian monks, Hitler, Jesus and Joseph Stalin walk into a bar, the bartender asks What the fuck is this? Some kind of joke?

One day, President Clinton is with his body gaurd Bubba (Big black body gaurd), and they both go into a public bathroom to take a leak.

The President looks over and notices the size of Bubbas cock and asks him how he gets it so big!

So Bubba says that ever night he hits it against the bed post 12 times before he goes to bed. President Clinton cant believe this works, but Bubba assures him it will.

So that night, Hillary is sleeping soundly, and Bill goes up to the bed post and starts wacking it vigorously against the bed post.

Then Hillary wakes up and says Is that you Bubba?

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? Getem on their back and their both fucked.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?



Because men refuse to ask for directions!





Whats the fastest way to a mans heart?



Through his chest with a sharp knife.





What is the worst part of a mans body?



His penis because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.





When is a man as smart as a woman



When he is plugged in to one.





How come men never sink in water?



Shit floats.





Why did the man cross the road?



Because there were no women on his side.





Why are men like blenders?



You need one, but youre not quite sure why.





What is the difference between men and pigs?



Pigs dont turn into men when they drink.





Why dont men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?



Because men are all PIGS.





WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?



YOU DONT HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS!





WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?



THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !





How many men does it take to change a light bulb?



None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.





How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Who knows; they never get the house





What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?



There both empty from the neck up.





why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?



he wasnt concentrating





Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?



Because God made man the perfect asshole.





What do men and linoleum have in common?



Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.





What do men and microwaves have in common?



Theyre both done in 30 seconds.





Whats a mans idea of foreplay?



A half hour of begging





How can you tell if a man is well hung?



If you cant get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!





How do you get a man to do sit-ups?



Put the remote control between his feet.





What did the elephant say to the naked man?



Its kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?





Whats the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?



Bigfoot has been sighted!





Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?



So men can understand them.





What is the difference between government bonds and men?



Government bonds mature.





Whats a mans idea of helping with house work?



lifting his legs so you can vacuum.





Whats the difference between man and E.T.?



E.T. phoned home.





What did God say when he created man?



I can do better than this.





How do men define a 50/50 relationship?



They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle





How do men exercise at the beach?



Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.





What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?



A hot dog and a 6 pack.





Why are men like noodles?



they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.





Why is it good that there are female astronauts?



because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.

1) Im bored. Lets shave my pussy!

2) Shouldnt you be out drinking with your friends?

3) Great fart!! Rip another one!

4) Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.

5) You should see the shit I just birthed.

6) Id rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.

7) Lets start subscribing to Hustler.

Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?

9) Ill swallow it all. I love the taste of it!

10) Are you sure youve had enough to drink? Im buying.

Woman golfer lines up on the first tee. Slices it badly and she hears a guy wailing pitifully off by the side of the tee and when she looks at him in horror hes doubled over with his hands tightly clenched together over his crotch.

She dashes over, apologizing profusely. Im so sorry, she says, its OK, Im a nurse. I know what to do.

She gently undoes the mans fly (who converts his wailing to a whimper) and begins to stroke his todger.

There, there. she says, Does that feel better?

The guys eyes are still watering but he says, Sure, but shit… my thumbs still killing me!

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog. Well then, youre a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him, Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck.Good luck, Joe said,hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later. That evening, Bob came back to Joes, and Joe came out to meet them. Well, how many did you get?, Joe asked. We didnt get any Bob shouted. Thats unbelievable Joe exclaimed. Bob said,Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that shit.

There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesnt like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesnt like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesnt like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!