Old Jokes | New Jokes

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.


Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…


Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

It was alovely summers day and a husband says to his wife, Lets you me and the dog go fishing! no! says the wife , You know I hate fishing.

So the husband replys,You have a choice, you either come fishing with me and the dog, give me a blowjob or take it up the arse. Ill give you 5mins to think about it while I go in the shed.



5mins later the husband returns and says well?..



Ill give you a blowjob replys his wife.



So the wife starts giving her husband a blowjob and comes up in disgust and says,your cock tastes of shit and stinks!



the husbands answers,yeah,well the dog didnt want to go either!

Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?
A. You get Bullshit.

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!



What did you do? the other nuns asked.



Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.



The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in the Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.



Oh my, gasped the other nuns. What did you do? they asked.



I poked holes in all of them she replied.



The third nun said, Oh shit.

Wedding Jokes

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive wayto get your laundry done for free.

The most effective way to remember your wifesbirthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to arestaurant with friends. You order what you want,then when you see what the other fellow has, you wishyou had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied, Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much doesit cost to get married?
The father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africaa man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happinesswas until I got married; and then it was too late.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, Iwas a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didntnotice.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:Wife wanted.
Next day he received a hundred letters. Theyall said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man steals your wife, there is no betterrevenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. Therest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A fellow was telling a couple his friends about the tragedy that befell him while scouting the woods that weekend prior to opening of deer season. I was goin through the woods, he said, when, turning behind a big tree, I came face to face with a huge grizzly……Wow!, said one of the friends, that mustve been really scarey. …Yeah, said the man telling the story, The grizzly reared up like this (man stands up, raises both hands in front…with hands clawed), and goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Man, I just shit all over myself!!….Well, hell, says one of the buddies, Id shit all over myself, too, if a bear did that to me…….No, no, said the teller, I didnt mean, then…..I meant, just now…when I reared up and screamed GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.

By Jesus, said Paddy, will you look at how fookin short that runway is.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see, said Paddy.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you put the flaps down straight away, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.

Gerry looked out the side window and replied, Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.

A Brief Guide To Religious Philosophies

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit wont happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit.

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says, I dont want to go hunting because its cold out, and Ive never been butt fucked before, so I think Ill go with the blowjob.

So shes down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, your dick tastes like shit!

The guy says, yeah, the dog didnt want to go hunting either.

(This really happened - the FE was suspended:)

On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane.

On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.

Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm!

So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!