This old letch plans to marry a young blonde gold digger.
Object: breathing some new life into him.
It doesnt. In fact, she just about fucks him to death on their honeymoon.
On his deathbed, he calls for his adult sons and says he has one final request: After Im gone, cremate me, then put me in her douche bag and run me through one more time.
Q. What comes out of the penis first at the time of orgasm?
A. The wrinkles.
Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Ehhh, Macarena!
(Dance to shitty music stupid Americans! You are so stupid that you think this shitty music is good. Dance to shitty music stupid Americans. Heeeyyy, stupid Americans!)
Macarena tiene un novio que se llama Que se llama de apellido Vitorino Y en la jura de bandera del muchacho Se la dio con dos amigos
(Stupid Americans will have sex with a llama. You dance like a llama to this idiotic song! While youre busy your girl will go at it with our friends. My buddies will be with her in the bathroom)
Que le gusta la movida guerrilera Macarena suean con el Corte Ingles Y se compra los mnodelos mas modernos Le gustaria viva on Nueva York
(You fat gorillas like shitty music. Stupid Americans paid sixteen dollars for this song. You cant tell your asses from your faces. Wed rather be back in Puerto Rico, but the welfare is better in NYC!)
RAINY-WWW
There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.
Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!? It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.
Well the other son being the bad kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said hed love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have mad passionate animal sex. When they were done, the lady said she didnt want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.
When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, How much did you make, looking at his good son. The good son said $10, with a modest look on his face.
Then the dad glared at his other son and said, How about you? The bad son said, well… I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!
A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, Hey, where’re all the wimmin?
The Barman replies, Ain’t no wimmin here, not fer a long time.
Well what do y’all do?
We do it with the animals.
Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.
Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, You’re sure you do it with the animals?
Yes, we do, sir
Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.
The bartender was in front and said, My God, man, what are you doing?
I thought you said you all did it with the animals.
Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff’s broad!
Faxed to me at work by a colleague:
For Sale by Owner:
Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica
Excellent condition, but no longer needed;
Fucking wife knows everything.
Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isnt working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Mens Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and its clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation, and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we dont have much money and we dont have any material possessions. However, one thing I can
tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis. After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, Girls, Ive got a confession to make. I was just
trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about?
Well, its not to the French Riviera. Its to my parents house in Philadelphia for two weeks. The second one says, Your honesty has shamed me. Its not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda. Well, the third
one says, I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric companys complaint department to ask for help.
The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much., said the nun.
Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade., said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel!.