Old Jokes | New Jokes

On a store front in Florida: Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!

A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: Smile, Youre on Radar!

Seen in a State Park in California: Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If its wet, its raining. If its moving, its windy. If you cant see it, its foggy. If rock is gone, its a tornado.

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Sign in a science teachers room: If it moves, its biology. If it stinks, its chemistry. If it doesnt work, its physics.

Sign in butchers window: Pleased to meat you.

Sign on auto body shop: May we have the next dents?

Sign at the dry cleaners window: Drop your pants here.

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: Reserved for plant manager.

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Lets see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in Kings Canyon in California. Slow Parking Ahead

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!

Sign on restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.

Sign in a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie!

Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want.

Sign on a music librarys door: Bach in a minuet.

In a Tacoma, Washington mens clothing store: 15 mens wool suits, $10. They wont last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament-Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

Notice in a dry cleaners window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: Push Push Push.

Sign at entrance of the IRS: Watch your step.

Sign at the exit of the IRS: Watch your mouth.

Sign in a bookstore: We treat you write.

Sign on a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.