At the card shop:
A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?
I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?
Doctor, Ive got this problem, a man says.
My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.
So what seems to be the problem? the doctor asked.
Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac, the man continued. I service her every morning when we get up.
I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.
I still dont know what your problem is, said the doctor.
You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances, they explained.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.
The man looked horrified and said, You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife! Well, said the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for this job then.
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained to the second man.
Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.
No, the CIA man replied, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.
We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!
WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…
But how did you burn the other ear? The doctor asked.
How do you think I called you people?
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
Water retention: Fact or Fat.
What does a 40 year old woman have between her breasts that an 18 year old doesnt?
Her navel!