Old Jokes | New Jokes

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

Diamonds are a
girls best friends.

Dogs are mans best friend.

So which is the dumber sex?

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Listening Passively

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me
on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She
said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages… only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
At any age, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

How to make shopping fun for men…

Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they arent looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.

5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.

6. Move CAUTION: WET FLOOR signs to carpetted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others youll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why wont you people leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti-depressant prescriptions?

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say PICK ME! PICK ME!

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, NO! NO! Make the voices go away!

15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, Hey were out of toilet paper in here!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
What are you doing? she asked.
Hunting flies, he responded.
Oh. Killing any? she asked.
Yep! Three males and two females, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell them apart?
He responded, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.