Old Jokes | New Jokes

Question: What stands behind every successful, married man?

Answer: An amazed Mother-in-Law!

Doctor, Ive got this problem, a man says.

My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.

So what seems to be the problem? the doctor asked.

Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac, the man continued. I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.

I still dont know what your problem is, said the doctor.

You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.

Whats the definition of a competitive man?

The one who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest!

A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…

But how did you burn the other ear? The doctor asked.

How do you think I called you people?

My wife telephoned me because she couldn’t get the car started.

I think theres water in the carburettor, she say’s

Dear, I say… if you know there’s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?

Well it’s like this. She said… “I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.”

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after youve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And itll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like So THIS is screwing! and howling like a cat thats being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a womans main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasnt there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as making love), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then Ill invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined me for other men.

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so youre in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed:_____________________________
Date:________________

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?

The little boy nodded yes.

So, the coach continued, when a strike is called, or youre out at first, you dont argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

Good, said the coach, now go over there and explain it to your mother.

A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldnt have to wear a bra quite as much.

She was furious and didnt speak to him for the rest of the week.

The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldnt have to wear a girdle quite as much.

Well she was furious.

Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldnt have to see your brother quite as much!!!

A womans most important men:

Who are the most important men in women’s life:

The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon youll loose interest.

The patients family gathered to hear what the specialist had to say.
Things dont look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.

Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives.
For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked,
Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?

A standard pricing practice, said the head of the team. Womens brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.