When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.
Mens Rules for Women
* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant it the other way.
* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.
* We dont know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, dont even ask.
* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why…
* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship.
* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.
* Actually, you probably dont want to know what were thinking.
* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.
* Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.
* Curley is the bald one.
* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.
* Socks never constitute a gift.
* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both!
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
* When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying This is our exit is not necessary.
* No, you cant have the remote control.
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.
Quickly I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.
Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said,
Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.
I think its stuffed, dont you?
WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.
When he asks you if hes your first tell him, You may be, you look familiar.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, If it werent for my money, the house wouldnt be here! The wife replied, My dear, if it werent for your money I wouldnt be here.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, made the dinner.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving? Call 1 800 ******.
6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.
8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.
9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations
Loves Animals means: Cat lady
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Open-minded means: Desperate
An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.
The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. Dont you remember what I told you the other day? he inquired.
Oh, I surely do. the old gent replied, Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and Im cheerful