Old Jokes | New Jokes

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

All these years Ive been eating them raw.

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.

One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

Im too young to die, she wails.

Then she yells,
Well, if Im going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. Ive had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, Im fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?

For a moment there is silence.

Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

I can make you feel like a woman, he says.

Hes gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation.

The stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman and says.
Iron this.

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because Its Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if its up put it down.

3 . Dont cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.

6. Sometimes, hes not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Dont ask him what hes thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

18. No, he doesnt know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesnt have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Dont give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you dont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the mens magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and its certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, There is no way Im going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, We havent had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZAS FINE…. really means, you cheap slob!

I JUST DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DONT KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, I cant believe you have nothing planned!

COME HERE. … really means, My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, I dont like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, You never listen.

WERE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, Im not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

ILL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, Im ready, but Im going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, ILL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, Im just being nice; theres no way Im going Dutch.

IM JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, Were gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

How do you know when youve satisfied a redhead?

She unties you.