A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not
take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the
suppliers Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cows udder? Customer Service: Dont worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.
Archive for the ‘General / Unsorted’ Category
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaohs daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Davids Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want… and I dont expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said, No, thats fine with me. Just understand that therell be sex here at seven oclock every night - whether youre here or not.
Three men were walking down the road when they saw a bottle. They picked it up and a Genie popped out. He said, Since there is 3 of you, I will give you one wish each. So the first man, wanting to be clever, wished to be 50% smarter than he already was, and POOF he was. The next guy, wanting to be cleverer than this first guy, wished to be 75% smarter than he already was, and POOF he was. The last guy, thinking he was cleverer than the other two, wished to be 100% smarter than he already was and POOF, he turned into a woman.
Background: Bobby Cox is manager of the Atlanta Braves baseball team. Theyve won the National League title two in a row and have another good team this year. Theyve had some trouble scoring, so about a month ago they traded with the San Diego team for Fred McGriff who has won a couple of battling titles. It is a understatement to say that McGriff has improved Atlantas offense. Atlanta is visiting San Francisco this week to play the Division leading Gaints.
Yesterday, a SF reporter teased Bobby Cox when asking him, If a car containing your wife and Fred McGriff started toppling over a thousand foot clift, and you had the chance of saving just one of them, which would you choose?
To which Cox is said to have answered: My wife couldnt hit the side of a barn door! 
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned
was destroyed by the fire. But my insurance company paid for everything.
That is quite a coincidence, said the engineer, I am here because my house
and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also
paid for everything.
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. How did you start the flood?, he asked.
A young women was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed
Well thank you maam. Its 33 inches
Wow, around?
No, maam. Through.
Well, then, sir. What about your waist?
Its 28 inches.
Around?
No, maam. Through.
Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your private, ahh, you know.
You see, maam. Its 3 inches!
Wow, said the woman. Through?!
No, Maam. From the floor!!!
Im surprised that nobody has posted any jokes regarding this scandal yet.
For anybody overseas, or living in a cave, this woman Heidi ran a brothel that catered to Hollywoods biggest stars, movie executives, and (allegedly) professional sports players.
She got caught, and the whole affair has Hollywood buzzing. There are rumors that the judge is going to subpoena her black book, which contains all of her customers. The press has nicknamed her the Madam of the stars.
Because of her sudden fame, she is selling interviews, pictures, etc. (She is a prostitute after all …) I heard these prices on the radio this morning.
The movie rights to her life story, including the scandal, will be sold for $1 million dollars. (This is a very high price for movie rights, but many of the top movie executives will willingly pay more for the story, to make sure that they are NOT portrayed in the movie!)
A picture of the COVER of her black book, listing her clients, sells for $15,000.
Shes selling television interviews for $150,000. (Considering that an evening with Heidi, before she was caught, was only $1500, women should now know why men dont like to just talk!)
Q. Why did God give man a penis?
A. So wed have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Q. What are the small bumps around a womans nipples for?
A. Its Braille for suck here.
Q. Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They cant stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. How is a women like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q.Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a computer?
A. A 90s woman wont accept a three and a half inch floppy.
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!
She says Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?
He replies I dont care…Just get the heck out!!