Old Jokes | New Jokes

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

A: Well hung!

Headline in todays newspaper:

Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake!

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didnt know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says Hey Benny whats up? so the guy then bets him $100 he doesnt know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says Hey Benny how are things going?. Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesnt know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says Benny you know you cant just show up here like this. Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says Hey Benny how have you been? So then he bets him $1000 he doesnt know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says Ok now watch up there on that balcony Im gonna come out there with the Pope. So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says Are you that surprised that I know the Pope? he goes No somebody walked behind me and said whos that guy up there with Benny!

A traveller and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to check out. The traveller puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt. The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveller explains that the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that his bill is only $50 since he didnt make any telephone calls, didnt charge anything in the restaurant and didnt use the mini bar. The clerk advised that its for the food that comes with every room.

But we didnt consume any of the food, said the traveller.

Well thats too bad. It was there and we charge for it, said the clerk.

Well then, you owe $75, said the traveller.

What for? said the clerk.

For screwing my wife last night, said the traveller.

The clerk explained that he didnt touch his wife.

Well to bad, she was there!

Thats the most violent book Ive ever read!

Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.

Accountants do it with Double Entry Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Ambulance drivers come quicker Australians do it Down Under Bach did it using the organ Bankers do it with interest Bartenders do it on the Rocks Batman does it using his Robin Bookkeepers do it for the record Bosses delegate the task to others Chess players check their Mates Cops do it with cuffs DJs do it on request Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Dentists do it orally Detectives do it under cover Dont do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Elevator men do it up and down Engineers do it to specifications Engineers do it to a first order approximation Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Garbagemen come twice a week Gardeners do it on the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Golfers do it in 18 holes Landlords do it every 1st of the month Managers make others do it Marketing reps do it on commission Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or its free Teachers do it with class Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Zoologists do it with animals

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?

Well, said the vet lets have a look at him The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.



Well, says the vet Im going to have to put him down.



Just because hes cross-eyed? says the man.



No, because hes heavy, says the vet.

One day, a bar owner decided he had enough of the slow business and needed a gimmick. He finally decided on one. He got a horse and put it in the bar. He placed a sign over the horse and had the sign read.

Pay $100, make the horse laugh win $1000 For years, the gimmick worked. Finally, a man walked into the bar saw the sign and asked, Is that sign for real? The bar owner told him it was.



The man paid $100, walked up to the horse and whispered something to the horse. The horse started to laugh falling to his knees.



The next day, the owner changed the sign.



Pay $100, make the horse cry, win $1000. For years the gimmick worked. One day, the same man walked into the bar and saw the sign. He paid the bar owner $100 and asked for a curtain. The man closed the curtain and then opened it a couple of moments later. The horse was now crying up a storm.



The man walked up to the bar owner and asked for his money. Not so fast, the bar owner said, First you have to tell me what you did both times! Simple, said the man, First I told him I was bigger, this time I proved it

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his

future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a

beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled, This is great!

Will I meet her at a party? he croaks.

No, says the psychic, in biology class.