Old Jokes | New Jokes

A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife. She tells him All he ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and Im tired of it!!! Weve been to 3 other doctors, and they couldnt help, so now its in your hands.

The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in. The doctor tries to get him to talk about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about
sex.

Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the talk turns to sex. The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:

Hobbies - Sex!

Sports - Sex!

Fishing - Sex!

Dreams - Sex!

He even tries the inkblot test, but to no avail. - Sex!

At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something - That every subject has been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific things.

First, he shows him a picture of a car. - Sex!

Next, a picture of a boat. - Sex!

A house. - Sex!

A tree. - Sex!

At this point, the doctor has had enough. He shouts: How can you think of sex when I show you a picture of a house!?! Or a tree!?! I can understand a car or a boat, But a house or a tree!?!?!

Mr Dillon looks at him and says: What are you yelling at me for, Doc - Youre the one with all the dirty pictures!!!

Found in Maps of the Mind, by Charles Hampden-Turner:

A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, Carter is a horses ass! To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, Reagan is a horses ass! Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.

Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, Hey, fella! If this aint
Carter country and it aint Reagan country, whose country is it?

The cowboy replied, Son, this is horse country!

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. Ill help you get the wagon up later.

Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to.

Aw come on boy, the farmer insisted.

Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, But Pa wont like it.

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

Dont be foolish! the neighbor said with a smile. By the way, where is he?

Under the wagon!

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A: wave at him.

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the
way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down.
The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it
on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, This test is to
test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go
into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there.
Put a bullet in her head. The guy looks at him and says,no
way. So the director says, You fail.

The next guy comes in. The diresctor tells him the same thing.
Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15
minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldnt go
through with it. The director says, you fail.

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the
room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of
ruckus(glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back
in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, What
happened to you? Guy replies, After three shots I realized
that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to
death.

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.

This article is excerpted from the e-zine Ooze #4. Ooze is available in macintosh application, text, or nice graphical web version from http://www.io.com/user/ooze/ or from drbubonic@aol.com for subscription or back issue information. (include wether you want mac or text format)

THE BIG SURPRISE

It was a big night out. One of my friends had invited a group of her co-workers and me out to a bar. When I got there I was introduced to an ok-looking Asian girl. She was sort of kooky and had been slamming down the drinks. She entertained the party by demonstrating her ability to put lit matches into her mouth. Amusing, but nothing really out of the ordinary.

Until she grabbed my hand. What are you doing? I asked.

Trust me. She held my fist and extended my index finger, bracing it with both hands. She started guiding my extended finger towards her face.

I thought she was going to insert my finger into her nose to pick some boogers out, but she was guiding my finger towards her eye. Strange, I thought to myself as she poked my finger into her open eyeball, instead of being squishy it was sort of hard.

I thought that was a pretty neat trick to freak someone out by making them touch a hard contact lens. Those are thick contacts, I said.

No, no. Thats my glass eye, and demonstrated the fact by asynchronously twirling it around in her skull. A million questions filled my head.

Were you in the same accident as Sammy Davis Jr.?

Do you have any weird holiday colored eyes?

Are you available for bar mitzvahs?

But, for once, I was floored. I just stared at the wall. I had just touched a glass eye!

I bet soon, once piercing and branding are laughable old fads like bell bottoms, teens will line up to have their very own glass eye. How chic!

Heres a cool party trick you can use to cash in on the Glass Eye phenomenon. If you are at a party and someone drops some glass on the floor smashing it, quickly cover one of your eyes and yell, My Glass Eye! very loudly.

It makes some people really uncomfortable, but most chicks will eventually dig how hip you are to the glass eye phenomenon.