Old Jokes | New Jokes

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says: yes youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist.
I do, replies the man. How did you know?
Well says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone.
The man below says, You must work in Management.
I do replies the balloonist, but how did you know?
Well, says the man, you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.

I made myself a snowball

As perfect as could be.

I thought Id keep it as a pet

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas

And a pillow for its head.

Then last night it ran away,

But first - it wet the bed.

(unknown)

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tigers tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesnt want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, Did you just lick me twice in the butt?The other tiger replied, Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said, No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No, officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates ……………
Everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension…. And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes…. And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests… So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked… God, what is this beautiful country here?
God said Aha…that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold…..
The angel was quite surprised But God you said everything should be in balance.
God replied Look at the neighbours I gave them

The dazzling coed sat perched on her stool, at the local hangout, as the young man sat beside her. Following the usual small talk, he made his move. Tell me, would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars?

Well, yes, I guess I would. she replied.

Would you sleep with me for ten dollars? he went on.

Ten Dollars??? What kind of girl do you think I am ? she huffed.

Weve already established that. he shot back. All were doing now is haggling over the price.

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"Im free, Im free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "Im four."

• You dont sweat, you percolate.
• Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• When someone says, How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop.
• Youd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
• You speed-walk in your sleep.
• You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time youre standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other peoples fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named Joe.
• You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
• Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Youve worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
• Youre so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
• You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a drip is a compliment.
• You dont tan, you roast.
• You dont get mad, you get steamed.
• You cant even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active. She says that she is not. An examination shows that she is pregnant.

Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, Im not, I just lie there.

Well, do you know who the father is? the doctor asks.

With a puzzled look she replies, No. Who?