A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.
The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka. Finally the Russian says, I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and its clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him Boris, why do we only need one glass? Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.
Archive for the ‘Genie’ Category
A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.
Upon examination, he sees that its a genies lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish.
The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, Its been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? Its called the Middle East and its a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but Id like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East.
The genie looked disappointed. He said, Im sorry sir, but I cant grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.
Im sorry, but I just cant do that. Have you another wish?
Well, said the man. If I cant do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women.
The genie replied, let me see that map again.
There was a man walking on the beach and he found a genie lamp. The genie popped out and tol him he could only have one wish because he had been granting wishes all day and was getting tired. The genie said think real good and hard then let me know. So the man thought for a little while then he said, I wont a bridge from hear to Hawaii so I can just drive there instead of flying. The genie said no way, that would take way to long. The genie said think of another one. So he thought real good and hard and said ok. I want the key to figure out a woman. The genie said, where did you want that bridge to go to.
A very well-dressed and successful yuppie executive left his office one fine day and there on the sidewalk next to his Porsche was a strangely shaped lamp.
“Maybe a genie will appear if I rub it!” said the yuppie to himself, with a laugh. He rubbed it and sure enough a ten-foot tall genie appeared.
“YOU are a genie?” said the yuppie in surprise.
“Why sure!” said the genie with a grin, as he spat out a stream of tobacco juice. “Now what are yer three wishes, Bub?”
“Well, my name is Andrew, not BUB!” The dapper and confident yuppie smiled and said: “I just landed a million dollar deal; my Porsche and my condo are paid off and my beautiful secretary is going to marry me! I have everything I want! No wishes for me.”
“Sorry, you gotta wish! It’s REQUIRED!” said the genie. “And remember, whatever you wish, ya have to live with! You can’t change anything!”
“Oh, alright!” said the yuppie smugly. “I wish that I will always wear the best clothes, drive the best car and have the best job in the world!”
“Ain’t ya gonna gimme some more details?” said the genie in a confused voice.
“Well, YOU can figure it out!” said the dignified, well-groomed executive with a pompous grin. He straightened his necktie and suit and flicked a speck of dust from his shoes.
“OK! Yer wishes are granted!” said the genie.
The yuppie felt a strange feeling in his feet and looked down: his highly polished $500 Brooks Brothers shoes and silk socks had disappeared; he was now barefoot. Then his $150 silk necktie, matching braces and pocket square, Rolex and cufflinks dissolved before his eyes. Then his blue pinstriped Armani business suit and starched white shirt began to change, finally morphing into a pair of dirty overalls.
“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” he yelled. “STOP! STOP!”
“Nope!” grinned the genie. “Cain’t stop!”
Then the stunned yuppie saw his Porsche morph into a broken down pickup truck. A moment later, a garbage truck pulled up. As he did, his executive leather briefcase turned into a lunch bucket.
“Get in!” yelled the garbage man who was driving. “Time to get to work!”
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!” roared the former yuppie, who noticed that his thick head of hair had vanished and he now wore a scraggly beard. “Where are my clothes?! I was wearing a two thousand dollar suit! Where is my car! My SHOES! You’ve stripped me of EVERYTHING! And what is that GARBAGEMAN talking about?!”
“That’s yer new job! YOU are a garbage man now – best job there is!” said the genie happily. “And yer gonna have to go barefoot for the rest of yer life now – remember! And yer always gonna drive a pickup truck! No more fancy suits and ties or shiny shoes! Ain’t that great!! You live in a trailer now, and yer married to a waitress named Flo! It’s the best life I know!!”
“Barefoot for the rest of my life! All of my suits gone! A WAITRESS! A TRAILER!” The former well-dressed yuppie yelled as the garbageman dragged him into the truck to start his new life.
The genie shook his head. “You sure ain’t grateful! Next time, don’t ask for wishes from a genie named Bubba!”
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said OK, OK. You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No. Think of another wish. The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing… know how to make them truly happy… The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?
A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, Well, Ive always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger? Done, said the genie and disappeared.
Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his size. Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where hed met the genie.
Problem? inquired the genie. Yes, the man responded, Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish? And what might that be? asked the genie.
Could you make my legs longer?
A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender If I show you the neatest thing youve ever seen will you give me a free beer?
The bartender says, Sure, but Ive got to warn you Ive seen a LOT of things in my time.
Yeah, but youve never seen anything like this! says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,
The bartender is mightily impressed.
That IS the neatest thing Ive ever seen. Where did you get him?
Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,
Do you think I could have a wish too? the barman asks.
Sure, says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says I wish for a million bucks! POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, theyre everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, Why didnt you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?
Yep, hard of hearing. I didnt ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either.
One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a poof, a genie came out. I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double, said the genie.
Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars, said the man. And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
Hmm… but now my ex-wife has two million dollars, said the man, But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. But now my ex-wife has a twenty-story manson, said the man.
And now, for your last wish? asked the genie. Hmmm… YES! I have the greatest wish yet. Why didnt think of this earlier?! replied the man. For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death!!!
A guy finds a magic lamp and a genie comes out.
He says Ill give you three wishes but, your mother in law gets double of everything you get.
So first he wishes for 1 million dollars so his mother in law gets 2 million dollars. Then he wishes for 1,000 acers of beautiful land so his mother in law gets 2,000 acers of land. For my last wish I want you to beat me half to death. You know what happens.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said, OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?The genie laughed loudly and said, Thats impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish.The man said OK, sat back down and tried to think of a really good wish.Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside. I want to know what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why theyre crying and know what they really want when they say nothing. Most of all, I want to know how to make them truly happy.The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?