Old Jokes | New Jokes

A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend.
One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay
the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from
her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three
wishes.

First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.

Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.

And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.

*POOF*

As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and
that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome
prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said,
Now Ill bet youre sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation.

Ken.

One day, a couple was walking along the beach and fighting. Then the man got mad and kicked a bottle. Out of it came a genie. The genie said You each get 1 wish and because the man kicked the bottle, you get to make a second wish, but your wife gets the same thing as you wish for. So the woman made her first wish. I wish that I had 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. POOF!!! she got her money. then the man made his wish. I wish for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. POOF!!! he got his money. Finally, he had to make his wish for the both of them. He didnt really like his wife so he had to make it bad for her. Hmmmm. he thought for a moment then he said. I wish I can have sex with the prettiest woman non-stop for 50 years. POOF!!! He was in a bes, having sex with a lady – and so was his wife

3 guys were stuck on an island. One day, one of the guys found a very old bottle. As he opened the bottle, out popped a genie who granted each of the guys 1 wish.

The first guy wished he could go home to his family. Poof, his wish came true and he was back with his family. The second guy wished the same thing, that he could go home to his family. Poof, the second guy was home with his family.



The third guy wasnt exactly smart. He looked around the island, feeling kind of lonely. He looked at the genie and said I wish my 2 friends were back on the island again with me.

There was a girl who found a bottle, it was dusty so she rubbed it and a genie came out saying, u have 3 wishes, but whatever u wish for, i get 2x as much.

so she said ok



i want a million dollars, so she got a million and the genie got doubled that



then she said a mustang, then the genie got 2 mustangs, she was mad so she said beat me half to death.

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?
The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?

You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.

Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.

Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too.

A couple are out golfing when the husband hits his ball over a grove of trees and they hear the sound of breaking glass.

They hurry around the trees and see a man standing beside a broken bottle. He explains he is a genie, he was being held prisoner in the bottle, the golf ball broke it and freed him. He is very grateful and will grant them three wishes.

They both ask for a Cadillac and then decide a million dollars apiece would be ideal.

Your wishes are granted, the man says to the husband. Now that Ive granted you three wishes, I wonder if youd grant me one? Your wife is very attractive and Id love to have sex with her.

The couple talks it over and after getting two Cadillacs and a million bucks apiece, the husband says, OK, why not?

His wife and the man stroll into a nearby woods, have very enjoyable sex and then head back towards the fairway where the husband is waiting.

By the way, how old is your husband?

Hes forty two.

No kidding, and he still believes in genies?

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see whats in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

This will look nice on my mantelpiece, he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. I wish for a beautiful Castle right now! He gets one.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside. Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: I wish Id never have to work ever again. OOPS!

Hes back in his government office.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said, OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?The genie laughed loudly and said, Thats impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish.The man said OK, sat back down and tried to think of a really good wish.Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside. I want to know what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why theyre crying and know what they really want when they say nothing. Most of all, I want to know how to make them truly happy.The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I dont know about?

– Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it

Face down while I punch your ticket

Ride my king cobra round the world

Wanna do ya girl

Want ya pettin my big black cat

Blackberry jam dont shake like that

If your bootys extra-large, Ill bring the funk

Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

– Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop em and shake it, girl, ya wont break it

Leave enough for me to take it

Mix likes to get down and make it

When the girl is large and naked

Talkin bout a booty with meat on the bones

Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones

Wanna hit your pleasure zone

Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

If you ask me, your response to Torn In Tuscaloosa was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesnt want to get off the couch and start working for a living, hes nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

– Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Whos afraid of my big bad weenie

Rub it and see if its got a genie

Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini

Just like Houdini

M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin

Wanna see yo butt cheeks flappin

Mix want the honeys with the big back doors

So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

A man is walking down the beach one day and he finds a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie says Since you have released me from my prison you can have three wishes, but with these wishes there is a catch. Whatever you get your mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and says For my first wish I want fifty million dollars.He thinks for a little while longer and says For my second wish I want to be adored by the ten most beautiful women in the world. The genie says You do realize that your mother-in-law gets double of what you just wished for right? The man nods and says For my third wish I want to be beaten half to death