Old Jokes | New Jokes

There were three guys stuck on an island. On of them found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said for freeing me Ill grant you each a wish.

The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.

The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.

The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!!

A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender If I show you the neatest thing youve ever seen will you give me a free beer?

The bartender says, Sure, but Ive got to warn you Ive seen a LOT of things in my time.



Yeah, but youve never seen anything like this! says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,



The bartender is mightily impressed.



That IS the neatest thing Ive ever seen. Where did you get him?



Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,



Do you think I could have a wish too? the barman asks.



Sure, says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says I wish for a million bucks! POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, theyre everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, Why didnt you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?



Yep, hard of hearing. I didnt ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either.

There was this pot-head walking down a road when a genie appeared in front of him and said, "Ill grant you two wishes. What is your first wish?" asked the genie. The pot-head replied, "I want a never ending joint. The genie goes, "As you wish," and gave him the joint. The pot-head took a long drag and said, "Cool. I want another one!"

Far out at sea two irish men were stranded

on a raft. One day the first one found a bottle floating in the ocean, after opening the bottle a genie appeared.



I will give you one wish.the genie bellowed



Without thinking the second man yelled I wish the whole ocean was Guiness beer!.



You idiot,yelled the first man,Now we will have to pee in the boat.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.

Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.



2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up, Put it down.



3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than

short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that

married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.



4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if

we can find the perfect present yet again!



5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect

an answer you do not want to hear.



6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.



7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are

prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun

formation and monster trucks.



8. Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or

the changing of the tides. Let it be.



9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never

going to think of it that way.



10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely

anything you wear is fine. Really.



11. You have enough clothes.



12. You have too many shoes.



13. Crying is blackmail.



14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.



15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.

Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!



16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.

Mark anniversaries on a calendar.



17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.

We are bound to miss sometimes.



18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you

think wed be any good at choosing which pair,

out of thirty, would look good with your dress?



19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable

answers to almost every question.



20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That

is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.



22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.



23. Check your oil.



24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.



25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.



26. No, it does not matter which quiz.



27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All comments become null and void after 7 days.



28. If you wont dress like the Victorias Secret girls,

dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.



29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of

the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.



31. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.



32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us

how you want it done-not both.



33. Whenever possible, please say whatever

you have to say during commercials.



34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.



35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose

their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.



36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.

We like staring at boobs.



37. The relationship is never going to be like it was

the first two months we were going out.



38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.

Peach is a fruit, not a color.



39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.



40. If it itches, it will be scratched.



41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.



42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why

MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.



43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.

Our lack of mind-reading ability is not

proof of how little we care about you.



44. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,

we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are

lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.



45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly

fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;

the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill You have one wish.

Bill Clinton cried But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes! Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you, replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said Bring peace to the middle east. He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said Nope. Cant do that choose another wish. This next wish came up right away.

I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly Um…can I take a look at that map again?

Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genies lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said why did you laugh? the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said why did you laugh? and timmy said beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.

One day a man was walking down the beach and came upon an old lamp. remembering the stories of how these lamps contain genies, he began to rub it and out popped a genie. the genie,looking annoyed, said you are the fifth person this month to awaken me and i am tired of granting wishes. i am going to grant you only one wish so make it a good one.the man pondered for a moment and finally spoke, i like to travel to hawaii so build me my own personnel bridge there. the genie, in a bewildered voice said you must be crazy, it is impossible to build a bridge across the pacific ocean. do you realize how deep the water is? there would be no where to anchor the bridge supports. you must make another wish.

the man thinks for a few minutes and then turns to the genie and asks well then, tell me the secret to satisfying women. i want to know how to keep them happy and content.

the genie looks at the man and says do you want that bridge four lanes or six lanes.

A guy finds a magic lamp and a genie comes out.

He says Ill give you three wishes but, your mother in law gets double of everything you get.



So first he wishes for 1 million dollars so his mother in law gets 2 million dollars. Then he wishes for 1,000 acers of beautiful land so his mother in law gets 2,000 acers of land. For my last wish I want you to beat me half to death. You know what happens.

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene
lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.

I cant grant your wishes, explained the freed spirit, But Ill
give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a
very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By
tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly
asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

Yes, she replied. Its been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon
drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came
saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball
stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie
tonight.