Old Jokes | New Jokes

There was a man walking on the beach and he found a genie lamp. The genie popped out and tol him he could only have one wish because he had been granting wishes all day and was getting tired. The genie said think real good and hard then let me know. So the man thought for a little while then he said, I wont a bridge from hear to Hawaii so I can just drive there instead of flying. The genie said no way, that would take way to long. The genie said think of another one. So he thought real good and hard and said ok. I want the key to figure out a woman. The genie said, where did you want that bridge to go to.

A very well-dressed and successful yuppie executive left his office one fine day and there on the sidewalk next to his Porsche was a strangely shaped lamp.

“Maybe a genie will appear if I rub it!” said the yuppie to himself, with a laugh. He rubbed it and sure enough a ten-foot tall genie appeared.

“YOU are a genie?” said the yuppie in surprise.

“Why sure!” said the genie with a grin, as he spat out a stream of tobacco juice. “Now what are yer three wishes, Bub?”

“Well, my name is Andrew, not BUB!” The dapper and confident yuppie smiled and said: “I just landed a million dollar deal; my Porsche and my condo are paid off and my beautiful secretary is going to marry me! I have everything I want! No wishes for me.”

“Sorry, you gotta wish! It’s REQUIRED!” said the genie. “And remember, whatever you wish, ya have to live with! You can’t change anything!”

“Oh, alright!” said the yuppie smugly. “I wish that I will always wear the best clothes, drive the best car and have the best job in the world!”

“Ain’t ya gonna gimme some more details?” said the genie in a confused voice.

“Well, YOU can figure it out!” said the dignified, well-groomed executive with a pompous grin. He straightened his necktie and suit and flicked a speck of dust from his shoes.

“OK! Yer wishes are granted!” said the genie.

The yuppie felt a strange feeling in his feet and looked down: his highly polished $500 Brooks Brothers shoes and silk socks had disappeared; he was now barefoot. Then his $150 silk necktie, matching braces and pocket square, Rolex and cufflinks dissolved before his eyes. Then his blue pinstriped Armani business suit and starched white shirt began to change, finally morphing into a pair of dirty overalls.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” he yelled. “STOP! STOP!”

“Nope!” grinned the genie. “Cain’t stop!”

Then the stunned yuppie saw his Porsche morph into a broken down pickup truck. A moment later, a garbage truck pulled up. As he did, his executive leather briefcase turned into a lunch bucket.

“Get in!” yelled the garbage man who was driving. “Time to get to work!”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!” roared the former yuppie, who noticed that his thick head of hair had vanished and he now wore a scraggly beard. “Where are my clothes?! I was wearing a two thousand dollar suit! Where is my car! My SHOES! You’ve stripped me of EVERYTHING! And what is that GARBAGEMAN talking about?!”

“That’s yer new job! YOU are a garbage man now – best job there is!” said the genie happily. “And yer gonna have to go barefoot for the rest of yer life now – remember! And yer always gonna drive a pickup truck! No more fancy suits and ties or shiny shoes! Ain’t that great!! You live in a trailer now, and yer married to a waitress named Flo! It’s the best life I know!!”

“Barefoot for the rest of my life! All of my suits gone! A WAITRESS! A TRAILER!” The former well-dressed yuppie yelled as the garbageman dragged him into the truck to start his new life.

The genie shook his head. “You sure ain’t grateful! Next time, don’t ask for wishes from a genie named Bubba!”

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, Well, Ive always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger? Done, said the genie and disappeared.



Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his size. Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where hed met the genie.



Problem? inquired the genie. Yes, the man responded, Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish? And what might that be? asked the genie.



Could you make my legs longer?

A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender If I show you the neatest thing youve ever seen will you give me a free beer?

The bartender says, Sure, but Ive got to warn you Ive seen a LOT of things in my time.



Yeah, but youve never seen anything like this! says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,



The bartender is mightily impressed.



That IS the neatest thing Ive ever seen. Where did you get him?



Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,



Do you think I could have a wish too? the barman asks.



Sure, says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says I wish for a million bucks! POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, theyre everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, Why didnt you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?



Yep, hard of hearing. I didnt ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said, OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?The genie laughed loudly and said, Thats impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish.The man said OK, sat back down and tried to think of a really good wish.Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside. I want to know what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why theyre crying and know what they really want when they say nothing. Most of all, I want to know how to make them truly happy.The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Benjamin Smith was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him. Master, the genie began, I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever. Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny made his three wishes and became tremendously happy. Over the years, Bennys beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more and more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever. The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED.

Dear GOD,

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,why dont you just keep the ones you have now?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Nan

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

Neil

Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.

Jane

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Joyce

Dear GOD,

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day

of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

Bruce

Dear GOD,

If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.

Raphael

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Larry

Dear GOD,

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

Sam

Dear GOD,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

Ruth M.

Dear GOD,

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Nan

Dear GOD,

If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes.

Mickey D.

Dear GOD,

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.

Love, Chris

Dear GOD,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely,

Donna

Three chaps - an American, a Chinese, and a German - were shipwrecked on a
deserted island. The German found this smoky bottle. So he brought it back to
the other two, and they all opened it together. Well, a genie popped out! The
genie granted them each one wish under a condition he wanted to tell them later.
Of course, all three wanted to be back home.

The genie said he would grant them their wishes. But first, you must all do me
a favour. Mr. American, I want you to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German,
you will make the kitchen for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman, you will get the
supplies for the restaurant. I will return in one month. At that time, if you
have satisfied my requirements, I will grant your wishes.

The German and the American started their work immediately. But the Chinese just
sat relaxed and enjoyed life. The others warned him to start his work. But the
Chinese said, I will do my wolk. Do not wolly.

Then about four days before the genies expected return, the Oriental
disappeared. The genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be shown
what they had done. He was amazed by the restaurant. Five dining rooms, a
tremendous main lobby - all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for
the kitchen - full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made from
shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!

But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?

The two men said they did not know. All they knew was that he had disappeared a
few days ago and they had not seen him since then.

Suddenly from the shadows came the Oriental, shouting in a loud voice,
Suplise!

Early one morning, Jerome was walking along a beach. In the sand he found a brass lamp. He decided to rub the lamp and a beautiful genie appeared.

Jerome, being quite a bright lad, said I have released you from your prison and you must grant me 3 wishes.



The Genie said That is true but my powers are rusty. You will have to come back tomorrow.



Jerome replied Oh, but I cannot wait till tomorrow, because I am a student and must take my finals exams then.



The Genie responded, Very well. I will write you 3 letters of acquaintance. Give one to each of the wizards whose address I have written on the letters and they will grant you a wish on my behalf.



Off Jerome went. On the way he wondered what to wish for and thought about his exams tomorrow. He suspected what some of the exam questions might be and thought why not be sure I have the correct answers. So he decided to ask the Wizards to unravel some perplex mysteries for him.



To the first, he asked to know the secret of how Caramel puts the caramel in their bars. Poof . . . the Wizard sent him to the Chocolate Factory and he discovered how it was done.



To the second Wizard, he asked how toothpaste could come out like a candy cane . . . with the red stripe down it. Poof . . . the Wizard send him to the Toothpaste Factory and he now knew how it was done.



To the third Wizard (whom he woke up) . . . he asked how the pyramids were built. Poof . . . Jerome found himself in the Egyptian Desert working with thousands of other slaves.

John comes home from holidays and almost immediately has another confrontation with his neighbour and long time enemy.



Later, inside and unpacking, he finds a bottle he didnt remember buying. Still it looks good so he gives it polish . . ., and whoosh, out comes a genie.





Oh holder of the bottle, I grant thee three wishes; but be warned that what you wish for is granted doubly to your greatest enemy.





Well I wish my last girlfriend would come back and be in love with me again asks John for his first wish. Hearing his name being called from the next room tells him shes back. John looks out his window and sees his neighbour with two women clearly besotted with him.





For my second wish, I want a big mansion says John who goes outside and sees his house has grown into a mansion. The neighbours house being a mansion twice as big.





At this stage the genie reminds him that his enemy will still get double for the third and final wish.





Then for my third wish, I want . . . I want you to remove one of my testicles.