Old Jokes | New Jokes

Three Wishes

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when poof a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, says the guy. The genie wasnt sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

Guy, the genie said, You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. Whats your second wish.

Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.

Thats easy, Guy, says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldnt think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

Genie, the guy said, I cant think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.

Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I cant escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when youre ready, and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man,Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies,See that man playing piano over there?

Hes a genie and hell grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says,I wish for a million bucks. All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, That genie is a little hard of hearing isnt he.

The guy replies, no kidding!

You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see whats in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

This will look nice on my mantelpiece, he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. I wish for a beautiful Castle right now! He gets one.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside. Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: I wish Id never have to work ever again. OOPS!

Hes back in his government office.

If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.



Rule # 2

If you dont want to dress like Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.



Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.



Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.



Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?



Rule # 6

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.



Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.



Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.



Rule # 9

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.



Rule # 10

When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?
The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?

You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.

Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.

Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says,
Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till Im half dead.

One day a man was walking down the beach and came upon an old lamp. remembering the stories of how these lamps contain genies, he began to rub it and out popped a genie. the genie,looking annoyed, said you are the fifth person this month to awaken me and i am tired of granting wishes. i am going to grant you only one wish so make it a good one.the man pondered for a moment and finally spoke, i like to travel to hawaii so build me my own personnel bridge there. the genie, in a bewildered voice said you must be crazy, it is impossible to build a bridge across the pacific ocean. do you realize how deep the water is? there would be no where to anchor the bridge supports. you must make another wish.

the man thinks for a few minutes and then turns to the genie and asks well then, tell me the secret to satisfying women. i want to know how to keep them happy and content.

the genie looks at the man and says do you want that bridge four lanes or six lanes.

A young man fell in a pit one day and found a magic lamp with a genie inside.The genie told him he would grant him three wishes. The mans first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF**The man could not think of anything for his third wish so he bought a Ferrari with some of his gold. As he was driving in his new car, he turned on the radio began to sing along with his favorite advertising jingle: Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener… **POOF**

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest. And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, I want a motercycle helmet. And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female. And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet. And he got his wish.

The bear said, I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females. And he got his wish.

It was the rabbits turn, and he said, I wish that bear was gay.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.

I dont know said the genie, that is really difficult. Do you have another request?

Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!

The genie replied: Will that be two lanes or four?