A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstacy. For my last wish… Id like to give birth to twins.
Archive for the ‘Genie’ Category
Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genies lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said why did you laugh? the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said why did you laugh? and timmy said beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.
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<mailto:anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu>. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass
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Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there
are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil
Overlord Ive read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. Ive noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up? My reply will be,
No, just sensible.
8. When Ive captured my adversary and he says, Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about? Ill say,
No. and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled Danger: Do Not Push.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me–Ill do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum–a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemys death look like an accident–
Im not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldnt believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word mercy;
I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage hes
caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence But before I kill you, theres just
one thing I want to know.
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the heros rugged countenance and shed betray her own
father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, its too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a
more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way–even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless–my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears
and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! (After
that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate
enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him
to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will
be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.
If you have any other tidbits of advice for me to follow, please e-mail me.
I wish to thank the following contributors to this list who, if I ever
happen to become an Evil Overlord, will be named as lieutenants–but not
trusted lieutenants–in my legions of terror:
* Julie Helmer <AnnieKey@aol.com>
* Christy Marx <moonfire@cybergate.com>
* Mark Musante <olorin@world.std.com>
* Katherine Teague <kteague@nortel.ca>
* g.kenter@genie.com
* rsledge@spry.com
A man is walking on the beach and he spots a bottle. He rubs the bottle and a genie comes out. The genie says Im too tired of granting 3 wishes…this time you only get one, What will it be? The man say Well ive always wanted to go to hawaii but since I can;t afford a plane ticket can you build me a bridge from california to hawaii. The genie say Well thats way to difficult for , you know the construction workers and all that. Make another wish. The man says Ok so my other wish is ……Well Ive always wanted to understand women .you know like what they are feeling and there emotions. So the genie say So about the bridge..2 lanes or 4?
Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.
So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, Ill grant you one wish . . . but i wont sleep with you.
Guy says, Ok then, how bout a little head?
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!, she exclaimed.
No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.
Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.
And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want.
I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, thats it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.
Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?
The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?
You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.
Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.
Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too.
Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.
So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, Ill grant you one wish . . . but i wont sleep with you.
Guy says, Ok then, how bout a little head?
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!, she exclaimed.
No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.
Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage….
And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want…
I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, thats it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.
Poof, and just like that, her ears were gone!
The following are letters from children to GOD.
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Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Alladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
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Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
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Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
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Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
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Dear GOD, You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean
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Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
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Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying.
-Elliott
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Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
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Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob
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Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they?
-Marsha
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Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
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Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
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Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
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Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - You made an ark on dry land you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do.
-Eddie
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Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles
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Dear GOD, I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene