Old Jokes | New Jokes

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.



Well, he said,… We were married for 25 years.

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.

What are you making? asks the golfer. It smells wonderful.

This is a magic brew, says the leprechaun. If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and youll never be defeated.

Well, then, let me have some, says the golfer.

Have as much as you like, says the leprechaun. But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire.

I can live with that, says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup.

The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months hes the undisputed local champion.

The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor.

It worked, says the golfer. It really worked! Im the best golfer this club has ever seen.

Yes, but how is your sex life? asks the leprechaun.

Pretty good, says the golfer. Ive had sex three or four times in the past six months.

That doesnt sound so great to me, says the leprechaun.

Actually, says the golfer, its not so bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.



When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.



When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands club. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.



The golf pro says to the woman, That is unbelievable, I didnt think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem…

How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

Its Saturday morning and Bobs just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. Hello? says a little girls voice. Hi, honey, its Daddy, says Bob. Is Mommy near the phone? No, Daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank. After a brief pause, Bob says, But you havent got an Uncle Frank, honey! Yes, I do, and hes upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy! Okay, then. Heres what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my cars just pulled up outside the house. Okay, Daddy! A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. Well, I did what you said, Daddy. And what happened? Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now shes all dead. Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank? "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now hes dead too. There is a long pause.Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or
Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in
big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,
Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut
the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell,
Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure
out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural
whirring sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the
street, and yell, Crawl for it!
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door
and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give
them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who
comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through
the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain
that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & Ms and several
half-eaten candy
bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a
few seconds, and insist that you dont have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on
your porch.
Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open
the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the
door when youre finished.

Comprehending Engineers – Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did
you get such a great bike?

The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldnt have fit.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!

The doctor chimed in, I dont know, but Ive never seen such ineptitude!

The pastor said, Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with
him.

Dramatic pause

Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow, arent
they?

The greens keeper replied, Oh, yes, thats a group of blind firefighters. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.

The doctor said, Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if theres anything he can do for them.

The engineer said, Why cant these guys play at night?

Comprehending Engineers – Take Four

Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.

Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.

The last said, Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?

Comprehending Engineers – Take Six

Normal people believe that if it aint broke, dont fix it. Engineers believe
that if it aint broke, it doesnt have enough features yet.

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Comprehending Engineers – Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up
the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill
stay with you and do anything you want. Again the engineer took the frog
out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful
princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont
you kiss me?

The engineer said, Look, Im an engineer. I dont have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now thats cool.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Eight

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They
had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and said, This is where your problem is.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it
$49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Nine

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.

The engineer said, I like both.

Both? the others asked.

Yeah, the engineer replied. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done.

Posted at a local golf club:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Dont stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.

10. Dont take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it – and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, I guess all those fricking lessons I took this winter, didnt help. One of the men immediately replies, Now, you see, thats your problem….. You should have taken golf lessons instead.

A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk

OK then said the man tell him Im playing again in a week.

The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy did you see where it went

The caddy then said yes

OK then where is it?

The caddy replied I forgot.