Old Jokes | New Jokes

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, new ball?The guy responds, would you believe this the greatest ball ever made? You cant lose it! You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a burst of steam goes off for a whole two minutes!Thats amazing, says his friend, where did you get it?I found it. says the guy.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Mark Twain

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt? Somersaults, says the man. Somersaults?! says the friend, Thats incredible. How many does he do? Hmmm, says the man. That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy
put. He shouted, Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the preist screamed God Damn
It! Missed again the nun repeated her
warning God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun
could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens
and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out God Damn It! Missed again!.

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.

She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didnt help.

One of the men immediately replies: No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.

It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him out there.

In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, Well, when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed the fence to look for my ball, but I couldnt find it in the high grass.

Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cows ass. I lifted up her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding. Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence - she was looking for her ball too.

So I lifted up the cows tail and pointed and said, Lady, does this look like yours? And she hit me in the throat with a five iron.

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Vince.Who? asked the man.Vince Sabio. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince every single time.The man replied, There are always a few clouds over everybody.Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.replied the cabbie.He was something, huh? asked the man.He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out. added the cab driver.No wonder you remember him. remarked the man.Well, I never actually met Vince. said the cabbie.Then how do you know so much about him? asked the man.The cab driver answered, I married his widow.

A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf every day.First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, shes very attractive. Hes interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesnt have a car. All in all its been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the mornings company and competition and says she hasnt enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation…
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. Hes actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight competitive round of golf.
Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she cant agree to this. He cant figure out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
You see, she tearfully sobs, Im a transvestite.
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
Im sorry, she repeats.
You bastard, he screams, red in the face, You cheating bastard. Youve been playing off the womens tees all week!!

There were four 80-year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said, Shut up! At least were still on the right side of the grass!

Golf Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the people that broke my window?

Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. the husband replied.

No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes-Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.

OK, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want? the genie said, looking at the wife. I want a house in every country of the world, she said. Consider it done. the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said. Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care. The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, How old is your husband, anyway?

35. she replied.

And he still believes in genies?….Thats amazing!