Old Jokes | New Jokes

Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament? A: Tiger Woods.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Ive heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats,
and thats it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding
up your heart make you live longer? Thats like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.

Q: Both my wife and my girlfriend say I should cut down on meat and
eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: They just dont grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.
Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And whats corn? A vegetable. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is beer bad for you?

A: I normally dont like to answer questions which deal with my
religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have
to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer is not an
animal, and its not a mineral, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone youre on
a vegetarian diet.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to spot for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?

A: Spotting for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. Its an accepted practice at health clubs, though if
you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why youre going in, you
probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Cant think of a single one, sorry.

Q: Im getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger,
right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf,
but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!

A: Sorry. I was reaching into my cooler and didnt see you.

Q: Theres a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the
treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?

A: The strato-lounger

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?

Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You dont want to ask that question…

Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

Three? When were they?

Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

I cant believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldnt have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldnt be more moved. When was number 3?

Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

A bunch of Cardinals got together with the Pope and decided that they wanted to have a golf game against the other religions. The only problem was that none of the cardinals were very good golfers.

One Cardninal turned to the Pope and suggested, We could get Tiger Woods and ordane him as a Cardinal. He would ensure our victory.

Thats a great idea, said the Pope.

A few weeks later, the cardinals returned from their golf game and the Pope was anxiously awaiting the news of the match.

So, how did it go? asked the Pope.

One of the cardinals replied, Well, it went alright. We played pretty well, but we lost.

How could you lose? We had Tiger Woods as our secret weapon. gasped the Pope.

The cardinal shook his head and replied, Tiger lost to Rabbi Greg Norman!