Old Jokes | New Jokes

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE NO.7[The. Indianapolis Star] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

AN IDIOTS IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message Hes lying was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasnt telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket workers underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

Did anyone see the luge? Its a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? I dont know, responded the other. Ill ask him.

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. Why are we digging in the hot sun and youre standing in the shade? Intelligence, the boss said. What do you mean, ‘intelligence?

The boss said, Well, Ill show you. Ill put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, Thats intelligence!

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, What did he say? He said we are down here because of intelligence. Whats intelligence? said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand.

DONT ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT! Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

First Runner Up Award goes to …

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything, the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

The incredibly dumb

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. This is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system…

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Really Stupid People

A Los Angeles man who later said he was tired of walking, stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.