Old Jokes | New Jokes

A Jewish woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. How much is it? she asked the storekeeper.

14 cents, answered the storekeeper to the lady.

14! For what? asked the Jewish lady. I think its 11.

The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents.

I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11. What are your saying?

As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11…I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11.

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended


up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, My wife Sadie visits me


three times a day. Shes so good to me. Every day, she reads


to me at the bedside.

What does she read? asks Morris.

My life insurance policy.

WIFE:


What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:


Definitely not!


WIFE:


Why not – dont you like being married?


HUSBAND:


Of course I do.


WIFE:


Then why wouldnt you remarry?


HUSBAND:


Okay, Id get married again.


WIFE:


You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:


(makes audible groan).


WIFE:


Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:


Sure, its a great house.


WIFE:


Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:


Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:


Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:


Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:


Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:


That would seem like the proper thing to do..


WIFE:


Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:


No, shes left-handed.

WIFE:


– - silence – -

HUSBAND:


Whooooooooooooooooooops….

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.

The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.

The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.

An Orthodox Jewish couple are wondering what to get their son for his upcoming Barmitzvah. So when he gets home, they ask him:

So, David, what would you like for your Barmitzvah?

He replied, I would love a motorbike!

When David had left the room the Jewish couple talked about this amongst themselves. They had no idea what a motorbike was! So, they went down to their synagogue and told the Orthodox Rabbi that their son wanted a motorbike for his Barmitzvah but they didnt know what it was.

I have no idea! he said to the couples surprise. Youll have to ask the Reform Rabbi down the road.

So the couple walked down the road and asked the same question to the Reform Rabbi. But his reply was the same as the Orthodox Rabbi:

I dont know! Youll have to ask the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi further down the road.

So, the couple walked further down the road and found the ultra-mega Reform synagogue. They walked inside and said to the Rabbi there:

Our son wants a motorbike for his barmitzvah but we dont know what one is…can you help us?

And the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi replied, Woah, woah, woah, slow down a bit! First things first: whats a Barmitzvah?

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact


that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.

After a while the first woman sighed, Oy! The others sighed sympathetically.

Then the second woman sighed, Oy Vey!

The others nodded.

A third woman said, Oy, Gottenyu!

The others nodded as if in agreement.

Finally, the fourth woman said, Enough talk about the children. Lets go for a walk!

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The Rabbi says, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.

The Priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork? To which the Rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork. The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

Later during the flight, the Rabbi asked the Priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.

The Rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, A lot better than pork isnt it?

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that youve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Havent I always been the good wife? Ive cooked for you, raised your children, and Ive always been by your side for thirty-five years. What havent I done to make you happy?

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, Its true, Sadie, youve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You dont moan when we have sex!

If I moaned when we had sex, youd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, Now, Morris, should I moan now?

No, not yet.

Morris begins fondling Sadie. What about now? Should I moan now? No, Ill tell you when, he says.

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

Is it time for me to moan, Morris?

Wait, Ill tell you when.

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells, Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!

OY! You wouldnt believe what a day I had!

A rabbi went to a hotel.It was the only hotel in the town, and they had only a room available,


but it was kept for a priest, since a week before.


Entering the hotel, the priest hears the rabbi


insisting for a room, approach him and politely


propose him to share the room.There were two beds,


so it was enough space for both.Finely, the rabbi


agrees and they slept in the same room that night.


In the morning the priest say to the rabbi:You


know,I had a very strange dream last night.I dreamed I was in the jewish heaven.It was


almost dark, the streets were dirty,the people


were very poor dressed and they ate some soup


every day, oh, my god,it was terrible!


The rabbi say:That is odd,because last


night I dreamed I was in the christian heaven.


It was wonderful, the sky was so blue, and the grass was green,the birds were singing happy songs,there were rivers of milkn honey,the trees


were full of tasty fruits, but it was ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IN THERE