Old Jokes | New Jokes

How come you cant find lawyers sunbathing on the beach? Cats keep covering them over with sand.

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).

The Doctor says, Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession.

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. Ah, he says, but who do you think created the Chaos?

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

…And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life also.

St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes.

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.



Judge: And why is that?



Defendant: Because the Public Defender isnt interested in my case.



Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendants motion?



Public Defender: Im sorry, Your Honor. I wasnt listening.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwin you once your dead!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.

Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?

Lawyer: Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

~ Downsizing is good, right? Then lets fire Uncle Sam!





~ Put politicians in their place - Landfills!





~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake



education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and



a winning smile for integrity!





~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and thats the (F)LAW!

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

One million dollars, the engineer answered. And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

Two millions dollars, the doctor said. I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, You give me three million, Ill give you one million, Ill keep a million, and well send the engineer.

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?

The student replied, Heres an orange.

The professor was outraged. No! No! Think like a lawyer!

The student then replied, Okay. Id tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…