Old Jokes | New Jokes

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in a million become a human being.

** Whats the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted conductors coming!, and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.



On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts Conductors coming. All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The lawyers then slip their only ticket under the door, and the Engineer then picks up the ticket and joins his friends, waiting for the real conductor.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You cant take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyers wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: Have you ever been arrested?

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was why? Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it Never got caught.

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, What is it, honey?

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.



He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. What are you doing, honey? she asked.



Im looking for loopholes! he shouted.

Q: Why are lawyers buried twelve feet in the ground instead of six?

A: Because deep down they are really nice people.

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, Oh, look! A nut! The second squirrel jumped on it and said, It’s my nut!

The first squirrel said, That’s not fair! I saw it first!

Well, you may have seen it, but I have it, argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute. The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, Now, give me the nut. He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.

Then he reached over and said, And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.

There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer?

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!