16
Mar
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long youve been waiting.
Archive for the ‘Lightbulb’ Category
13
Mar
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
13
Mar
08
Mar
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
05
Mar
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a crying shame?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you cant understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q:Where can you find a good lawyer?
A:In the city morgue.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2+2? The housewife replies: Four!. The accountant says: I think its either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time. The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor. Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie? Amie shyly stood up, scoffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman. Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy? Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whore house. The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
26
Feb
Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
26
Feb
Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
24
Feb
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six–one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
22
Feb
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.