Old Jokes | New Jokes

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?Little Stevie raised his hand and said I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette. The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche. The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicone. The teacher said, Silicone? Why silicone Johnny? Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

Little Johnnys teacher asked him, Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, bitter end in it.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand, Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny says Mas-tur-bate.

Teacher smiles and says Wow, little Johnny, thats a mouthful.

Little Johnny says No, miss, youre thinking of a blowjob. Im talking about a wank.

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the
elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny
points to the pachyderms privates and says, Mommy, whats that? Mommy,
seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, Oh, thats nothing.
Never mind. Come along now.

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his
dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a
question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephants member and says,
Daddy, whats that? Dad replies, Didnt your mother tell you? Yes,
she told me it was nothing. Well, your mom is spoiled, son.

Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, Hey, everyone! look at that!

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Dirty Ernie then said, Teacher, aint that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?

The teacher decided she would write a history question on the blackboard every Thursday afternoon, and whoever answered it correctly could take Friday off from school. On the first Thursday she wrote, Who said, Give me liberty or give me death? No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese boy said, Patrick Henry, 1775.

Very good! the teacher said. You can take off tomorrow, and well see you Monday.

The next week she wrote on the board, Who said, Fourscore and seven years ago? No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese girl said, Abraham Lincoln, 1865.

Very good! the teacher said. Now you can take off tomorrow, and well see you Monday.

Well, the next Thursday, as she was getting ready to write this weeks question on the board she said, Now the last two weeks our history questions have been answered by children who were not even born in this country. You other children should be ashamed of yourselves. Now I want one of you to answer this weeks question.

But just as she turned to begin writing, Little Johnny hollered out from the back, Screw the Japs!

The teacher turned around and demanded, Who said that?

Little Johnny jumped up and said, Harry Truman, 1945. See ya Monday!

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.



Not yet, replied little Johnny.



His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores.



Well, now hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.



He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.



How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.



Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.



Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.



Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…

Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Remember Little Timmy? Hes the foul-mouthed boy who lives down the block from Little Johnny.



Anyway, Little Timmy was sitting in the back of the class the other day, squirming. He raised his hand and said, Teacher, I have to piss.



Flustered, the teacher said, That is not the correct word to use, Timmy. The correct word is urinate. She told Timmy that he could go to the bathroom if he could correctly use the word urinate in a sentence when he returned.



Little Timmy came back from his trip to the potty and sat down. Can you use urinate in a sentence, Timmy? the teacher asked.



Yes, Timmy said. Right now ur-in-ate, but if you had bigger tits youd be a ten.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?Daddy, relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. He replies, None, they all fly away with the first gun shot The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then, Little Johnny says I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone To which Little Johnny replied, The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.