Old Jokes | New Jokes

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms.

His dad said, Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?

Johnny said, No!!

Johnnys dad said, Well, theres your answer.

Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios.

His dad, again, said, Can you touch your asshole with your dick?

Johnny said,No!!

His dad said, Well, theres your answer.

At the end of the shopping trip, Johnnys dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket.

Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!

His dad said,Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?

Johnny asked,Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?

Johnnys dad said,As a matter of fact, I can!

Johnny said,GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, Ive lost my dad!

The policeman said, Whats he like?

Little Johnny replied, Beer and women!

Little Johnny was walking down the road one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.

The old man said, Whatcha got there, son?

Johnny said, Got me some chicken wire.

Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son? asked the old man.

Gonna catch me some chickens, said Johnny.

You cant catch chickens with chicken wire, said the oldster.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About half an hour later, Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch with three chickens entangled in the chicken wire.

The old man was shocked and couldnt believe his eyes.

A little later Johnny passed the old mans porch.

Whatcha got now, son?

Got me some duct tape.

And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? the old man asked.

Gonna catch me some ducks.

You cant catch ducks with duct tape, said the old man.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About half an hour later, back comes Johnny with three ducks tangled in the duct tape.

Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing the old mans porch.

Whatcha got now, son? asked the old codger.

Got me some pussy willow.

The old man said, Wait right there while I get my shoes!

Little Johnny and his friend Little George walk in the woods and see a naked girl. Little George says, Dont look at the naked girl because my dad said that if you look at naked girls, you will turn into stone. Little Johnny said, Too late. Im already getting hard.

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water…. while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your brother Johnny …..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ….he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

A
teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will
be left? She calls on little Johnny.
None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.
The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but
I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I
have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting
on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second
is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The
third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well
I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and
sucked the cone.
The correct answer is the one with the wedding
ring on…but I like your thinking.

Little Johnny asked his dad what a vagina looks like. His dad said, Well Johnny, before sex it looks like a nice beautiful rose.

Little Johnny asked his dad, Well, then what does it look like after sex?

His dad replied, Well Johnny, have your ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night,
in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked
off!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.



She quickly turned and asked, Whats so funny Bobby?

Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

Get out of my classroom, she yells, I dont want to see you for three days!



The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.

Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, Whats so funny Billy?



Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.

Again she yells, Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him – I dont want to see you for three weeks!



Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.



And where do you think you are going? she asks.



Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!

That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!