This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had, he says.
What makes you say that? asks the woman.
Well, every time we did it, I couldnt help notice how it made your toes curl, he explains.
Oh, says the woman, that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first.
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, Now, who is going to tell the wife?
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.
Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.
She hollers, TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!
Rippington says, O.K.
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didnt wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you dont fit into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore? ….
….So, here we are!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
But, officer, the man began, I can explain
Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.
But, officer, I just wanted to say
And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.
Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was
reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!
His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.
He came back with, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra!
A mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad. Where the heck have you been?!?! Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her. Oh yeah? Let me see your hands! She sees his hands are covered with powder and… You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wifes wonderful chocolate chip cookies.
After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wifes cookies still lingering on his palate?
The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.
He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.
Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.
He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wifes love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.
He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.
His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his galant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, Oh no you dont, THOSE are for the funeral!
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.
Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, could you pass the honey honey? to whom his wife, hands over the honey.
Then, the husband from Kansas says Could you pass the sugar sugar? and she passes him the sugar.
The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?