Old Jokes | New Jokes

One day a pregnant lady that was expecting triplets was walking through a gangster neighborhood, and was shot three times. When she went to the emergency room, the doctor said that she would live, but that the kids might experience complications as they got older.

Ten years later, the first kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!

A day or so later, the second kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!

The third kid come down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what?

She said, Let me guess… You pooped a bullet?

He said, No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.

My 71 year old father just had open heart surgery after experiencing a heart attack. After the surgery, the doctor told him that he couldnt have sex for 3 months.

My dad asked, Do the last two months count?

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: Its a big building with a lot of doctors, but thats not important now!

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Dont worry about it. Youll pass eventually.

Liz: Im the examiner!

Doctor: Youre in good health. Youll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next.

The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said, Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

That is very kind of you, said the doctor emotionally, and then added, Can I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little change.

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

Doctor: Oh, really?

Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? Whats the very bad news?

Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday.