The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports, The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
The young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific.
One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of
his patients.
He radioed a base hospital:
Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?
A prankster got hold of the message.
This was the reply:
Give it to the Marines. Theyll drink anything.
An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been unfaithful with two guys while he had been gone. She wanted to break up and she wanted any pictures of herself that he had back.So the Ranger did what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: Im sorry I cant remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you.
[Ed: Yet another compendium]
And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these
compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers,
and teachers:
This paper needs a few comas.
When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal.
We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee.
You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal.
It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from
nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage.
At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last
year.
Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife,
an exotic U-shaped structure.
LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed.
Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy
Baker, a chicken.
Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping
cranes in his chest.
Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection.
Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bills clothes. Weve been spraying
the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests.
Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will
have an appointment with the orinthologist.
Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughters absence for the past week,
as she had a case of the fool.
Steven C. Neighorn
Portland Public Schools
(and I thought it was hard to write down verbal humor . . . Ill give it
a try though.)
This was a one panel cartoon in Aboriginal Science Fiction.
On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth:
An alien soldier and his commander.
Soldier to commander:
Well, now that weve captured their king theyll have to surrender!
Behind them, bound and gagged:
Elvis.
Reading jerry298s story about the life-raft in the VW inspired me to write
down an incident that happened to me about 10 years ago. Like Jerry, it
took me about 5 years to see the humor in it.
About 10 years ago, I bought a used van to drive back and forth to my cottage
on weekends. It had previously been owned by a company called Canada Dredge
and Dock. This gave it some notoriety since they were at the time involved
in a big local political scandal involving rigged bidding on dredging
contracts.
One weekend at the cottage I was giving it a good cleaning out
when I discovered a red cylinder labeled Emergency Flare in one of the door
pockets. I thought Well, thats not a bad thing to have in the car. and
left it there. Sure enough, on the way home that weekend, we had a flat tire.
I should say that our cottage is in the middle of a very popular vacation
area north of Toronto, and the weekend in question was the combined Canadian
July 1st and American July 4th holiday weekend. So the entire world was
headed home on the same road.
I got out to change the tire and my
brother-in-law said, Have you got an emergency flare in the van? I told
him about the one I had found and he ran down the road a few hundred feet to
set it up. I was under the van setting up the jack when I heard a loud pop.
I looked out to see Ron running towards me yelling, Its a marine flare.
Thats right, Canada Dredge and Dock, being a largely marine based company, had
left a marine emergency flare in their truck. In case anybody doesnt know,
a marine flare is like a very powerful roman candle, shooting balls of light
hundreds of feet up in the air so that drowning sailors will be seen by passing
ships. They are NOT intended to be set off late at night on a busy highway.
The first ball had missed Rons face by about 2 inches and the force had
tipped the flare over onto the little mound that he had made to hold it in
place. Now, as each ball came shooting out, the force would spin the flare
on the little mound, so that no two went in the same direction. One of them
shot right at us and passed between us as we stood no more than 5 feet apart.
One of them shot back up the road at 3 lanes of oncoming traffic. One of them
shot up into a farmers field and started a small fire. Neither of us was
about to go back and try to pick it up. Finally after about 7 or 8 shots,
it stopped.
Amazingly, the shots that went up the highway came between platoons
of traffic so nobody was hit, nobody even went off the road. Ron went and
put out the fire, I changed the tire, and we drove to the nearest pull-off and
sat there shaking for half an hour.
Earliest Remembrances
Early
Pre-Teen
Adolescence
Post Adolescence
Early Adulthood
Adult Years
The Middle Years
The Present
Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!
The second guy waves this off and says:
My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!
The third guy waves both of them off and says:
My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!
They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:
My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and hes gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, and a house!