Old Jokes | New Jokes

Why does a woman close her eyes when shes having sex?

Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

My wife naively believes that Its your turn in the barrel is just as acceptable as What goes around comes around.

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades, hoping nobody sees him. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple. The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character. The musician, who is immensely embarrassed, finally turns to the elderly couple and whispers, I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music, to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, We just came to see our dog.

Heard from a friend who heard it in Arkansas.

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman cant believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She cant believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had
enough. She turns to the man and says, Three times youve sneezed, and
three times youve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you?

The man replies, I am sorry to have disturbed you, maam. I have a very rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The woman then says,
Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?

The man looks at her and says, Pepper.

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

Im Glad Im A Woman



Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

On page 114 of the Fall 1991 J. Crew catalog (yuppie clothing)
that I received yesterday is a full page photo of a very pregnant
woman wearing a maternity sweater (very fully cut in the lower areas).
The description reads:

Room for two. A sweater that just seems a natural
for now. Soft. Comfortable. Uncomplicated. And
unconfining by design. Our wool rollneck, shown here
in loden, see p. 48 for additional colors and photos.
Unisex sizes. $52.

Unisex sizes?!

What guys say… …What they mean…

———————————————————————-



It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and shell have her

legs around my head.



Shes kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue



I dont know if I like her She wont blow me



I need you My hand is tired



I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all

week



I really want to get to know you …so I can tell my friends about

better it



How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?

other boyfriends?



Youre the only girl Ive ever You are the only girl who has not

cared about rejected me



I want you back …for tonight anyway



Weve been through so much together If it was not for you, I never

would have lost my virginity



I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is

starting to look good



No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! Shell know that I have a

hard-on



The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times

for another 24 hours



I am different from all the other I am not circumsized

guys

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband but she is
concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She
goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50, the
clerk says.

$50? the woman replies. That seems terribly expensive for a frog.

Well, this frog is worth it. Its been trained to give blow jobs.

The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is
not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good
investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband,
and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises hell give the frog a try that
night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she wont be bothered by
her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from
the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling
out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.

What are you two doing down here? she asks.

Her husband responds, If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is
out of here!

…so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said Youve got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex. Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, That was a huge mistake, Jon. Youve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or well have rough sex. Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said Admit it, Jon, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?