Old Jokes | New Jokes

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. Whats wrong with you? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen? he replied. And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.

Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what?

The husband sobbed, I would have gotten out today.

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, Im on fire! Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, Arent you glad I decided to come today?
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and scream, I win!
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, Mmm, never seen that shape before.
But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (Sheesh, so America won the Revolutionary War?).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) I was never told there was going to be a test.
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalk at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, No I will not have sex with you!
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper, the accountant replied.



Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.



Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. Let me tell you a story, replied the Rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel

nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.



The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?



No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

Today is Learning to Spell Ebonics. Mr. Darnell Jackson will help out by putting the words into sentences.

Foreclose
If I dont pay my alimony this month, Ill have more money forclose.

Sodomy
When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one sodomy and another bitcho n de other sodomy.

Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfrin rectum both.

Hotels
I gave my girlfrin the crabs, then the hotels everybody.

Dissapointment
My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment, he gonna send me back toos the big house.

Decide
My favorite girls are Waanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on decide.

Penis
I had to take my drug test the other day, so my parole officer gives me a paper cup and says, Here penis.

Afford
I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but had to settle for afford.

Subpoena
I went to the john at the concert, but the lines were long and I hadda go bad, so da man sez subpoena sink .

Manual
I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messin with dat hoe.

Catacomb
I went to the fight and sat next to Don King – now someone oughta git that catacomb.

Mister
My girlfrin went on vacation and I really mister.

Undermine
Theres a fine looking bitch living in the apartment undermine.

Cadaver
I told my buddy Tyrone I liked his sister and wanted to see her and he said I cadaver.

Paramour
I was playing cards with my buddy Antonio and I said Wadda you got? He said I got an ace high and youre gonna need a paramour to beat me.

Polyp
On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was involved in a fi car polyp.

Urinal
After the police broke down my door last night, they said, Darnett, urinal lot a trouble.

Ive known a number of people who told me that they were really
eager to have babies. Having a spouse or good job would be ok, too,
but what they were really after was the babies. I never understood
the attraction for a long time, but then it hit me. They must want
babies like I wanted a cat. (Until recently I lived in a dormitory,
where people of the furry persuasion are the subject of intense
discrimination.) Though I now understand the feelings of those who
have the unfulfilled cravings of the existence of another living
creature in the house, I feel it my duty to point out the flaws in
their reasoning.

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten wont be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its
crying. Hell, you dont even have to take the kitten with you, and if
you dont, you dont event have to worry about whether or not the
sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten wont grow out of those cute but expensive clothes
within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they havent had a bath this month.

6. You probably dont have to lie awake nights wondering how you are
going to finance your kittens college (or high school) education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you dont want
to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle
your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle cant accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the
country if you arent married to the father of your kitten. In fact,
nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your
job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason:

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

14> Your coffee stays hot all day!13> Never have to look very far to find the legal department.12> In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge — Satan!11> 30% fewer Dilbert cartoons in the break room.10> In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy. 9> You get to spend more time with your spouse now. 8> No more wondering if the boss hates you. 7> Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public
transportation. 6> Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite
invigorating. 5> Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss! 4> Your office: One free stale donut every Friday.
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a Full House cast member every
Friday. 3> Your job? Suit and tie.
Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby! 2> Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke
now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint. 1> Microwave popcorn — without leaving your cubicle!

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

My husband, she said, always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.

Is that a problem? asked the therapist.

Well, she said, the problem is he walks in his sleep!

A man goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesnt eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. Good God, Dear, he proclaims, Ive just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.