Old Jokes | New Jokes

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

6. The coffee machine is broken….

5. Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.

4. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

3. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

2. I wasnt sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

1. Amen

THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, And what starting salary were you looking for?

The candidate said, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The HR Person said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow!!! Are you kidding?

And the HR Person said, Certainly, …but you started it.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Quote from the Boss… I didnt say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. Thats because its unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too … but at least I respect him.

Hes given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: Im sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

HR Manager to job candidate I see youve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means youre under-qualified for our entry level positions.

Quote from telephone inquiry Were only hiring one summer intern this year and we wont start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss daughter finishes her summer classes.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

I dont work here. Im a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

12. I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

11. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

10. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance