Old Jokes | New Jokes

A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked, What can
I do for you?

The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, Just what exactly are you trying to find out?

The old man said, Were not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we cant go to her house. I am married and we cant go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. if we do it here
for $32.00, I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors
office.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I hope you dont mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

About 32, is the reply.

Nope! Im exactly 50, the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, Id guess about 29. The woman replies with a big smile, Nope, Im 50.

Now shes feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, Oh, Id say 30.

Again she proudly responds, Im 50, but thank you!

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, Lady, Im 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead.

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay…How old am I?

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 50.

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell?

The old man says, Promise you wont get mad?

I promise I wont. she says.

I was behind you in line at McDonalds.

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I dont need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

your mom is so old whan you tried to suck her titie powder came out

One day, this young boy and his Grandfather were fishing in a boat out on a lake. The Grandfather pulls out a beer from his cooler and starts drinking it. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? Grandpa replies, When your willies long enough to touch your ass, then youll be old enough and I will give you one.

A little later the Grandfather pulls out a long cigar. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? He replies If your willie can touch your ass, then you can have one.

Later that day the boy pulls out a snack pack and starts eating it. The Grandfather asks, Grandson, can I get one of those?

The boy asks, Can your willie touch your ass?

The Grandfather says Yes it can.

The boy says, Then go screw yourself.

A man was telling his neighbour, I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. Its perfect.
Really, answered the neighbor. What kind is it?
Twelve thirty.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while Im in the kitchen? he asks.

Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
Sure.
Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it? she asks.
No, I can remember it.
Well, Id like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, sos not to forget it?
He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.
Id also like whipped cream. Im certain youll forget that, write it down? she asks.
Irritated, he says, I dont need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake! Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
Wheres my toast?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: Slim, Im 83 years old now and Im just full of aches and pains. I know youre about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like a newborn baby.

Really!? Like a newborn baby!?

Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

1. Sag, youre It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.