Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, Gadsby, which contains over 50,000 words — none of them with the letter E!
Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions
A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest
department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and
said, Id like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra? asked the clerk.
Type? inquires the man, There is more than one type?
Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size, color and material.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of
bras, replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied, The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the
Baptist type. Which one do you need?
Still confused the man asked, What is the difference between them?
The lady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports
the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills.
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you cant afford.Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago. Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey) Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Yo mama is so poor that when u stepped on the cigarette she said hey, who turned off the heat?
Yo mama is so fat that when she wears and orange dress bungee jumping people think the sun is falling.
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over the road?
The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness youre here!
I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, -
Maam… thats your air freshener!
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out… a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadnt shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!
The other bum says, Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?
Brenda
OMalley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "Ive
somethin to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, youre always welcome,
Tim. But wheres my husband?"
"Thats what Im here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please
dont tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. Im sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three
times to pee."
Heard from a friend who heard it in Arkansas.
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman cant believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She cant believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had
enough. She turns to the man and says, Three times youve sneezed, and
three times youve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you?
The man replies, I am sorry to have disturbed you, maam. I have a very rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The woman then says,
Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?
The man looks at her and says, Pepper.