Old Jokes | New Jokes

Police Chief: As a recruit, youll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policemans brain as well. It costs $50,000.

The client asked, What? Hows that possible?

The doctor replied, You see, its totally unused.

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?

No, maam, explained the officer, its your foot.

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

YOURE DRUNK! exclaimed the police officer.

Thank God for that! said the drunk, I thought the steering had gone.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

You just wont believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force Ive never seen anything like it.

Oh yes dear, what happened ?

I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?

Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh?

The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, Why, Irish Mike, this wouldnt be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?

That it is, Irish Mike replied grimly, ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.

You mean you pinched his honor? asked Pat.

How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? demanded Mike.

Well, mused Pat, theres a lesson in this somewhere.

That there is, replied Irish Mike…. Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

Youll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!