Old Jokes | New Jokes

Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

Gives new meaning to MTV slogan Rock the Vote

Observe the Presidents commitment to young people
first hand

Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

Have President chase around desk brandishing his
subpoena

President tells you he really wants you on his staff

Try out JFKs legendary rocking chair

Have President introduce you to his special
investigator

Find out what a politician means when he says hes
been polling his constituents

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, Whats in the box kid?

The little boy says, Kittens, theyre brand new kittens.

George W. laughs and says, What kind of kittens are they?

Republicans, the child says.

Oh thats cute, George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, You gotta check this out and they both jog over to the boy with the box. George W. says, Look in the box Dick, isnt that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are.

The boy replies, Theyre Democrats.

Whoa!, George W. says, I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. Whats up?

Well, the kid says, Their eyes are open now.

Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter

by Jeremy Shaggy Toeman (jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu)

NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one nights worth of sleep.

Heated Less-filling Tastes great debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to Problem Child 3 in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to How do you keep an
idiot up all night?
Anything involving latin, Taylors series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 oclock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool intro feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John Wayne-a-thon on channel 2.
Trying to figure out all the words to that Nirvana song.
UCBTalking to anyone you wont ever spend intimate time with. Same
goes for IRC and Broadcast.
Watering plants. Dead plants. Rocks. Dirt. The cat.
Trying to draw a perfect circle freehand, with crayons.
Singing along with Achy Breaky Heart over and over again. What
catchy lyrics that song has, eh?
Second-guessing your clock. (Also works well with Traffic Lights, and
simply anything that blinks on and off forever)
Driving to every 7-11 (or Circle K) in town, just to check that they
are being faithful to their Open 24 Hours policies.
Tring to figure out just why Wil Wheaton is a star.
Pricking yourself with a pin every 5 minutes, just for the heck of
it.
Reading all the articles in your entire Playboy collection to see how
relevant they are to todays economy.
Spinning round and round in circles until you get so dizzy you hurl.
Repeat in opposite direction. Figure out which way makes you blow
chunks faster. Try to keep spinning while heaving.
Coming up with as many colorful euphemisms for the term vomit as
possible. (e.g. spew, yak, ralph, etc…)
Thinking about ways the world would be different if there was no
cement.
Spelunking. In your basement.
Price shopping for beef jerky at any 24-hour supermarkets.
Thinking about that 14-year old brat who sent in $1000 to Clinton,
when you splurge on a Whopper Combo.
Making popcorn, or blowing balloons. (Sorry, inside joke. They are
still NOT good reasons to pull an all-nighter, however)
Pulling out each strand in a Koosh ball. Reassemble the koosh ball.
Repeat. Juggle on occasion.
Pretending it is really 12 hours later than it is. (i.e. Going to
classes, eating lunch, waiting for the soaps to come on…)
Just watching that flashing 12:00 on your VCR because you looked at
your other clocks already, and are simply looking for a second
opinion.
Rearranging your room all night long, attempting to make the WORST
setup possible, just to show that you would do such a thing.
Learn how to communicate better with the animal kingdom.
Trying to figure out how that counter works on a VCR. Once you do
figure it out, borrow a friends VCR. Repeat until insane.
Memorizing all the area codes. (Other good things: local phone
prefixes, zip codes, time zones, etc…)
Wanting to see cool times on your clock like 1:23, 6:66, 4:56, 00:69,
6:30, etc… (If you actually look for some of these times, you may
end up waiting more than all night…)
Pulling all your hair out so you can organize it by color, length,
thickness, straightness. Continue doing so until they haul you off to
the loony bin.
Learning sanskrit, serbo-croatian, ancient french, klingon, or any
other language you probably wont have much call for.
Anything that has to do with Star Trek. (ESPECIALLY watching Star
Trek 5 or 1 really… or that Deep Space show….)
Catching up with all those missed episodes of Coach you taped, so you
can follow along with the current, in-depth plotline.
Buying large amounts of bubble wrap, popping it ALL, then using it to
ship stuff. Breakable stuff.
You HAVE a life, yet you spend it reading lists like this.
Getting high on Marks-A-Lot markers.
Holding yourself hostage, but not telling anyone. Make large demands.
Trying to find food combinations that taste really bad.
Pondering all the hardships Michael Jackson has gone through in his
life. Writing him a sympathy card would be a nice touch.
House of cards.
Reliving the war. Any war. Maybe a childhood schoolyard fight. Maybe
just you stubbing your toe on that damned couch again.
Playing with heat-sensitive toys.
Writing Top 50 lists. Be creative.

Thanks to Michael Red Harris for his rather uninspiring remarks.

Distribute freely, but please dont cut ANYTHING from the first line to this
one.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clintons practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and Excuse me sir, arent you Moses?

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, Excuse me sir, arent you Moses? Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. Excuse me sir, arent you Moses? Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George Ws aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet. To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness.

The following, by Jules Feiffer, ran in Tuesdays The New York Times.

The monologue is delivered by a young woman, seated in a comfy chair, leafing through a copy of the STARR REPORT:

You read the complete text and you begin to understand …

That the real problem of the Clinton Presidency is not that he lied under oath or obstructed justice…

The real problem is that theres a teen-ager living in the White House.

Clumsy, flirtatious, demanding, rejecting … scared, shamed, dishonest, diffident.

No handcuffs, no whips and chains, just classic adolescent guilt-ridden lust.

I dont think he should be impeached … I think he should be grounded.

Clinton in 1996–NOT!!

You call mall rent-a-cops jack-booted thugs.

Did you know that Bill Clinton really was supportive of Monica throughout
thier tryst?

He kept telling her, Chin up young lady, chin up.