Old Jokes | New Jokes

Did you know that this week is *National Condom Week*? Heres a *salute* to the *new* condoms on the market!

Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that wont be cut down.

Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just need a lift…

KFC Condoms
When you just need to *wing* it.

ASPCA condoms
For that lil pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know what time it is!!

Lassie Condoms
When you know shes a bitch, but youre gonna do her anyway!

George W. Bush Condoms
When Junior wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms
When youre bored stiff.

Memory Condoms
When its on the tip of your tongue.

Chatterbox Condoms
When you need to talk it up.

Cheerleader Condoms
When you want it *Rah*!

Scorpion Condoms
When you wanna sting er!

Jock Condoms
When its a team effort!

Prone Condoms
When you flat-out want it.

Pitching Wedge Condom
For those special moments in the rough!

Electrical Condom
Cures the shorts in your pants!

Plumbing Condom
When you know youre gonna clean those pipes!

(c) Original Sins

1. Be Allah you can be
2. Aim Low
3. An Army of None
4. The Few……………………………….
5. Martyrs have more fun
6. Vigins….we got Virgins!!
7. Free Camoflage Turbans….sign up today!
8. Uncle oSAMa wants you

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me death?

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. Patrick Henry, 1775, said the boy.

Now, said the teacher, who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?

Again, no response except from Toshiba: Abraham Lincoln, 1863.

The teacher snapped at the class, You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do.

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: Damned Japanese.

Who said that? she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. Lee Iacocca, 1982, he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshibas classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, Im gonna throw up.

Teacher says Who said that?.

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Now furious, another student yells, Oh yeah? Well, suck my….

Once again, its Toshiba with the answer, Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

POLITICIAN – A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.

From: Lela Lowe – llowe@admin.aurora.edu

Jay Leno: This is a rough election year. … Huffingtons illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinsteins illegal nanny
(Tonight, NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party.
(Late Show, CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the ugly campaign: You look at some of these races around the country and you think its just a damn shame somebody has to win.
Letterman: President Clinton is the only president weve ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesnt know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother
(Late Show, CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein the Thelma and Louise of CA politics: Thats got to be tough being attacked by the Forrest Gump of American politics.
Leno: You can tell the candidates are getting desperate in the last hours of the campaign. Yesterday, Ollie North stopped lying and Chuck Robb slept with his own wife
(Tonight, NBC, 11/7).
Conan OBrien, on George Foreman knocking out Michael Moorer: Its amazing that a guy in his mid-forties, who cant stop eating cheeseburgers is that powerful. I mean, besides President Clinton
(Late Night, NBC, 11/7).
From: Orlando Doc Griego – ovgcsu@lamar.colostate.edu

Its no wonder President Clinton is in so much trouble, according to Executive Mystic Barrie Dolnick. Just look at Bills astrological chart. Dolnick insists that a career crisis is in the stars, and predicts a slight possibility of impeachment. Fortunately, says Dolnick, Clinton can ward off these negative influences by smudging his office with sage after hours, sprinkling sea salt along the doorway, and wearing red or silk undershirts for his protection…

Or he could try a more drastic approach: a Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was frustrated that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and put them on a table. After careful consideration, Varels grabbed them and went to a health center to have them reattached…

On a sad note, the Psychic Friends Network filed bankruptcy in Baltimore this week. According to court documents, the companys revenues have plummeted to $25 million a year… appparently they didnt see this coming…

In other news…

Alberto J. Vasquez did pretty well when donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin Doughnuts last week. He and a friend made off with over $1400. But he did some dumb stuff too. Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin Doughnuts, and an employee thought he recognized Albertos voice during the robbery. He was even more certain when Albertos accomplice called him by his nickname A.J. Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop… you have the right to remain stupid…

From Bizarre News – www.bizarrenews.com

Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,

All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.

The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,

In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.

The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,

While visions of perjury danced in their heads.

And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,

Had just settled in for a long evenings nap.

When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter

They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear

But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,

They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!

More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now Conyers, now Gephardt, lets forget about The Vixen!

On Barney! On Maxine! Im no Richard Nixon!!!

From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!!!

And then the Republicans heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As they scratched their heads and were turning around

The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.

No longer was he eating from his humble pie,

While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.

A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,

It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.

The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf,

And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.

And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

He spoke the right words and went straight to his work

Hard to believe that an Intern once called him The Jerk.

And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,

By Wagging The Dog, up the polls he rose.

He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,

Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.

They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,

Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.

(This came from The Washington Spectator.)

Politics has long been the answer to the wits prayer.

Examples:

Politics –the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the
other. (Oscar Ameringer)

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen
tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the
ability afterwards to explain why it didnt happen. (Winston
Churchill)

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
dont want them to become politicians in the process. (John F.
Kennedy)

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable. (John Kenneth Galbraith)

A statesman is a politician whos been dead 10 or 15 years. (Harry
S. Truman)

The quotes are excerpted from The Penguin Dictionary of Modern
Humorous Quotations.

Two Indians, Running Bear and Little Beaver went to the outhouse teepee, situated on the edge of a cliff. After using the outhouse teepee, they went back to the village. The next day, they again went to the outhouse teepee. Running Bear said, Terrible, terrible, the outhouse teepee smells to high heaven! What should we do? We cant ever use it smelling like that! Little Beaver suggested, Why dont we just push the outhouse teepee over the cliff, and go build another one? They both agreed and pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff.

A few days later, the chief of the tribe called a pow wow. He asked, Who threw the outhouse teepee over the cliff? No one answered. He then told this story.

When George Washington was a little boy, his father asked, Who chopped down the cherry tree? Little boy George Washington answered, It was I father.

His father was so pleased with the answer, that he rewarded Little George Washington, and later in life, he became the Great leader of his nation.

Now again, I ask, who pushed over the outhouse teepee? Little Beaver said, It was I that pushed over the outhouse teepee, thinking he would get a reward. In that moment, the Chief jumped on Little Beaver and severely beat him. He ended up in the hospital.

A month later, the Chief was visiting the hospital, and came across Little Beaver. Little beaver asked, Chief, how come you beat me up?

The Chief answered, George Washingtons father wasnt in the Cherry Tree!