Old Jokes | New Jokes

If character is not an issue, why isnt Ted Kennedy president?

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haitis military?
A: John Elway.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?

A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

If you meet Osama Bin Laden – sucker punch the bastard
Special hotline to report anyone who looks shifty
Offer Taliban free HBO, instead of cable guy send Jackie Chan
Two words: spy monkeys
Go to every K-Mart and announce over P.A.: Will Osama Bin Laden report to the managers office?
What are we waiting for – call Batman
Give terrorists brightly wrapped fruitcake, but inside theres a skunk!
Make Taliban leaders easier to spot by sending them all bright orange hats
Fight terrorism with love! (the guy who suggested this was beaten to a pulp by an angry mob)
Do another Hands Across America – that worked before

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Q: Whats the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What is Hillarys new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.

Someone asked Clinton if he was heading to Arkansas after this is over.

He replied that he intended to stay in D.C., and poke around for awhile.

"If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure."
…George W. Bush"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
…Governor George W. Bush"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
…Governor George W. Bush"Mars is essentially in the same orbit…Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
…Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century."
…Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change."
…Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and thatone word is to be prepared."
…Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
…Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
…Governor George W. Bush"The future will be better tomorrow."
…Governor George W. Bush"Were going to have the best educated American people in the world."
…Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
…Governor George W. Bush"I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made."
…Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
…Governor George W. Bush"Public speaking is very easy."
…Governor George W. Bush to reporters "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
…Governor George W. Bush"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
…Governor George W. Bush"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
…George W. Bush"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
…Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
…Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
…Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
…Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
…Governor George W. Bush"Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
…Governor George W. Bush"It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
…Governor George W. Bush"[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
…Governor George W. Bush

Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims its a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesnt care
Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there
Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virusWont let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virusRuns its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
Spice Girls virusHas no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virusSaves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkain virusSearches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sony Bono virusJust when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
Martha Stewart virusTakes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little dollies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virusEvery 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virusEvery 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virusTerminates and stays resident; Itll be back
Viagra virusTurns your floppy drive into a hard drive