Old Jokes | New Jokes

Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, little Johnny.

The teacher asks little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, Im not a Bush fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a Bush fan? Johnny says, Because Im a Clinton fan.

The teacher asks why hes a Clinton fan. The boy says, Well, my moms a Clinton fan and my dads a Clinton fan, so Im a Clinton fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, What if youre mom was a moron and youre dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Johnny says, That would make me a Bush fan!

Did you know that Bill Clinton really was supportive of Monica throughout
thier tryst?

He kept telling her, Chin up young lady, chin up.

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. Whats Your Business
Sign?

Marketing

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.

Sales

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as marketing without a
degree.
You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and
begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers
so you can concentrate on the big picture. You seek admiration for
your golf game throughout your life.

Technology

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead
content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace.
Often even YOU dont understand what you are saying but who the hell can
tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

Engineering

One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that
engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy
with yourself; your office is full of all the latest ergodynamic
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel
syndrome.

Accounting

The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from
office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.

Human Resources

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to
be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other
person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any
calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail
a letter.

Management/Middle Management

Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain
at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you
can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Middle
Managers
as everyone in your social circle is a Middle Manager.

Senior Management

(See above - Same sign, different title)

Customer Service

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
Customer Service. Continually passed over for promotions, your best
bet is to sleep with your manager.

Consultant

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your
utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your
skills
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating
these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

Recruiter, Headhunter

As a person that profits from the success of others, most people
who
actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks
correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

Partner, President, CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems
such as the fax machine suggests the latter.

Government Worker

Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the
invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job…Thus the
term Go Postal

George W. Bush.

Americans and Russians were competing who would go to the moon and build more on it. The minister comes to the American president: Mister President, the Russians have already launched their spaceship!
President: Yes, yes, let them! A few days later: Mister President, the Russians have already landed on the moon!
President: Yes, yes, calm down! In a week: Mister President, its the Russians, the started painting the moon red!
President: Thats fine, just fine! In a month: Mister President, the Russians have painted half the moon red, wed better do something too!!
President: No, no, dont worry! In two months: Mister President, the Russians have finished painting the moon, the whole moon is red now!!
President: Thats great, now send our spaceship up there to write Coca-Cola on it!

George W. Bushs closest advisors came to visit him at the White House
one evening, and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up.
They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was
celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that
wasnt much of an accomplishment.

Ah, but youre wrong. I did it in record time.

When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it
after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasnt that great.

Oh yeah? said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5
years!

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 Passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said Im Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I cant afford to die so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world, so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I dont have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.
The boy scout said Its Ok, theres a parachute left for you. The worlds smartest woman took my backpack.

Thanks, Mr. President, but Ive already met the delegate from the great state of your pants.
No, no - our *good* billionaires give millions out of pure unselfish patriotism! Its their *evil* billionaires who are trying to buy the government!
As distinguished senior senator from the great state of Massachusetts, I hereby nominate the junior delegate from Vermont to go fetch a pitcher of margaritas.
Come quick! Jesses gonna try rhyming Lieberman!
Im sorry, Mrs. Clinton. I know L.A. is much warmer than New York, but its too late to re-invent yourself as a half-Mexican Dodger fan.
This really *is* the party of diversity - check out the Klingon delegates!
Mr. Bushs record is inconsequential He lacks any credential for executive potential Its an illusion when he appears presidential Which makes the election of Al Gore essential!
Thank you, Mr. Beatty.
Given the lack of personality factor, do you think we can digitally add a bong in his hand somewhere in the Years in Viet Nam clip?
Come on, Karenna. Oh, yes! Whos your President? Whos your President?
We, the representatives of the great state of Mississippi, are proud to nominate the tall fella, second on the left, and his little Jew friend there.
You cant swing a cat in here without hitting a Kennedy - not that the PETA delegates would let you do it anyway.
Are you feeling OK, Mr. Carter? Youre sure? No numbness or tingling? Youre positive?
Mr. Chairman, the Great State of Tennessee, birthplace of the Internet, first in lackluster personalities, an innovative leader for fundraising with Buddhist monks, and friendlier to Jews than we used to be, nominates its favorite son … Al Gore!
Ms. Streisand says your times up. Im afraid Ill have to ask you to leave the stage now, Mr. Gore.
Well, one night Tipper and I were discussing Disney movies in Hell, and these are some of the examples we came up with…
Follow me to the ladies room and hurry - Hillarys doing her pee standing up trick!

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Democratic National Convention …

Whos this Al Gore guy everyone keeps talking about?

Rumination of the Day

If your hand offends thee, cut it off. If your other hand offends thee, better learn to live with it or youll have to train a monkey to wipe your butt. (Rolf Lundgren)

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell?

The barman said, Yep, thats them.

So the guy walked over and said, Hello. What are you guys doing?

Bush said, Were planning World War III.

The guy asked, Really? Whats going to happen?

Bush said, Well, were going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.

The guy exclaimed, Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!

Bush turned to Powell and said, See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car
together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and
whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they
realize theyre in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, Im going to ask the Wizard for a brain.
Gingrich says, Im going to ask the Wizard for a heart.
Clinton says, Wheres Dorothy?