Old Jokes | New Jokes

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after hed lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.

Well…tell me! he demanded.

The policeman said, We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wifes body this morning in San Francisco Bay.

OH MY GOD!, said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, Whats the good news?

Well, said the policeman, When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

Huh? he said, not understanding. So, whats the great news?

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling peoples fortunes. But, she doesnt read palms or tea leaves, she smells ones breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring…they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.

One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home…but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.

The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldnt stow thrones.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.

Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!

The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. There!, he said and vanished.

All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.

The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.

One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.

The king looked about him. Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?, he said.

I will, sir!, said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.

The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldnt! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!

Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdoms wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.

How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldnt get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?

The boy looked up at the king and replied, Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?

Her grandson said, Grandma, it says on TV-The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: Im looking for the man who shot my paw.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender replies, For you, no charge.

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner–Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother Potato? she said. I have an announcement to make.

And what might that be? said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes.

Well, replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, Im getting married!

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, Married! Thats wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?

Im marrying a Russet!

A Russet! replied Mother Potato with pride.

Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

As the family shared in the eldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. Mother? I, too, have an announcement.

And what might that be? encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, I, too, am getting married!

You, too! Mother Potato said with joy. Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?

Im marrying an Idaho! beamed the middle daughter.

An Idaho! said Mother Potato with joy. Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.

Yes? said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

Well, began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!

Really? said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?

Im marrying Peter Jennings!

Peter Jennings?! Mother Potato scowled suddenly. But hes just a common tater!