A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
Sure, GOD says, Go right ahead.
OK, the man says. Why did you make women so pretty?
GOD says, So you would like them.
OK, the guy says. But how come you made them so beautiful?
So you would LOVE them, GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, But why did you make them such airheads?
GOD says, So they would love you!
Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. This house is yours for eternity, Bobby, said God. This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo. Bobby looked at God and said God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me? God chuckled, and said Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!
A priest and a nun were traveling through the desert when there camel died
suddenly.
Alone and in the middle of nowhere they decided to sit and wait
for help to come.
During the night they talked about stories of there life
and what they had and hadnt done with their life. It is then that the
preist asks the nun if she has ever had sex the nun replies no. So the
preist brings up the suggestion that since they are alone and in the middle
of nowhere and could possibly die that perhaps they should try it.
Upon
agreement the Priest flops out his pecker and says to the nun This is the
staff of life, it brings life to the dead.
In response the nun
replies, good go screw that dead camel so we can get the hell out of here.
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and what landed outside the circle God kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.The rabbi said, Ive got you both beat! I throw the money into the air and what God wants, God takes.
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
Fine, says God, Women get multiple orgasms
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, Welcome to heaven, my son. God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease, the doctor replies. Welcome to heaven, my son, God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. Welcome to heaven, my son, says God, but you have to leave in two days.
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses
to adultery, Ill quit!
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word fallen
instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had
fallen. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and
everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed
away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the
mayor. The priest was quite concerned, You have to do something about
the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people
come into the confessional talking about having fallen!
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the
mayor and said, I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell
three times last week!
This cabdriver is having an affair with a married woman.
So theyre making love in the afternoon while the husband is supposedly
at work, when suddenly a car pulls up in the driveway. The woman
exclaims, Oh my god! My husband is home early! You have to get out
of here, hes a weightlifter and hell break every bone in your body!
Well, the cabdriver is terrified and runs out of the bedroom. A moment
later the husband comes bursting into the room, yelling, All right,
I know youve been fooling around, where is he? As hes running around
the house looking for the guy, through the kitchen window he sees a
cab driving away. Hes so angry he picks up the refrigerator and
hurls it out the window at the cab! Unfortunately, he misses, and
even more unfortunately, he suffers a triple hernia and dies on the
spot.
The next thing he knows hes standing in line, waiting to get into heaven.
When he gets to the front of the line, St. Peter asks him how he died,
he explains, and he is admitted. Next, please, says St. Peter. And
how did you die, sir?
Well, says the cabbie, I was hiding in this refrigerator when …
Dave Wagner
University of Washington Comp Sci Department
This other guy walks into confession and admits to the priest that he had
engaged in oral sex. The priest being quite new at this confession business
tells the man he doesn know what type of pennance to give him for his sin
so hell call the Holiness in Rome and ask him. The priest calls the Holiness
and asks what he normally gives for a blow job to which the Holiness replies,
40,000 lyra!
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
Life begins, said the priest, at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.
We believe, said the minister, that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.
Youre both wrong, said the rabbi. Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.