When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
Fine, says God, Women get multiple orgasms
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. Im going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the womans doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, Why, God, why now? After all Ive been through, how could you do this to me?
From up above, there came a voice, Sorry. I didnt not recoginize you.
Col. Saunders was lying on his death bed and asked to have the Pope visit
him.
It was explained that the pope is a very busy man and that he did not make
such visits.
Col Saunders said if he could have the pope visit him he would give a large
donation to the church.
The pope was on the next flight and went to visit Col Saunders in his
hospital bed.
The Col. felt he would like to leave his legacy on this earth, so he asked
the pope you know that part in the bible where it says give us this day our
daily bread Yes, said the pope, do you think you could change that to
give us this day our daily chicken
Startled at this the pope said that this was not possible. Col. Sanders then
told the pope if he could make the change he would give the church
$50,000,000.00 and 5,000,000 every year that it remained. The Col. then
expired.
The pope left the Col. and went back to the Vatican and called all of the
Bishops and the Theologians and spoke to them all. On my trip to the
United States, I have some good news and some bad news, first the good news,
I made us $50,000,000.00 with an additional $5,000,000.00 dollars coming in
every year thereafter, the bad news is we lost the Wonder-Bread account..
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses
to adultery, Ill quit!
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word fallen
instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had
fallen. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and
everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed
away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the
mayor. The priest was quite concerned, You have to do something about
the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people
come into the confessional talking about having fallen!
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the
mayor and said, I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell
three times last week!
Why is it so hard to tell the truth but so easy to tell a lie?
Why are we so sleepy in church but
Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so easy to talk about bad stuff?
Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine, yet so easy to look at a dirty one?
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail but we forward all of the dirty ones?
Why are the churches getting smaller but yet the bars and dance clubs are getting larger?
Do you give up?
Think about it …
Are you going to forward this, or delete it?
To terrify others, forward this to at least 10 people.
After a long life of unselfish service, Father John OMalley died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate and said: John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, wed like to do something special for you. You name it; its yours. John thought for a moment and said: Id like a private audience with the Holy Mother. St Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John to the Holy Mothers sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: Holy Mother, Ive always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that? Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: I always wanted a girl.
A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were duck hunting from a boat not far from the lake shore. After setting out decoys the trio readied themselves for the ducks in the rosy pre-dawn light. It was then that the pastor realized he had forgotten his shotgun shells and had to make a trip back to the truck; so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and in the same matter, came back to the boat with his shells.
They shot (at) ducks for the next two hours, drank coffee out of the thermos and ate sandwiches. The priest then had to make a trip to shore for a bathroom break. He got out of the boat, walked across the water in the same manner, came back to the boat.
Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?
Three old men stood at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper asked the first man How many times have you cheated on your wife.
The first man said I was married for 50 years and I never cheated on my wife.
The gatekeeper gave the man a Rolls Royce to drive across the bridge into heaven. Then he asked the second man How many times have you cheated on your wife?
The second man said I was married for 50 years and I cheated on my wife one time. So the gatekeeper gave him a Honda and he started off across the bridge into heaven. Then he asked the last man How many times have you cheated on your wife
The last man said I was married for 50 years and I cheated on my wife 5 times.
The gatekeeper gave the man a Pinto and the man started across the bridge.
A while down the road the man in the Pinto and the man in the Honda saw the Rolls Royce pulled off to the side of the road with the driver standing beside it crying. When they pulled over to ask him what was wrong he said:
I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!