Old Jokes | New Jokes

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldnt put it down?

Whats the formula for water? -H-two-O Whats the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBED

Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron

The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.

Their idea of a catalyst:

2 bags of cat litter
3 cans of cat food
1 can of flea powder
1 collar

Q: How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.

Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because its polar.

Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?
His business went insolvent.

Q: Whats the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.

Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jennings Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Cesiums Strange
(Tune, People are strange - The Doors)

Cesiums strange,
when youre a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.

Dont take it out in the rain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Dont you remember the pain?
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youre insane —
Cesiums strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!

Dont take it out in the rain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youll always remember the pain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youre insane —

— Songs of Cesium #13

Lectropositive Mama
(tune, Lady Madonna)

Letropositive mama,
Cesium on your meat,
Wonder how you manage,
To stay on your feet.

How dya stand the smokin?
How dya bide the flame?
Do you think that lifes just
A burnin game.

Monday night your hungers a blue fire,
Tuesday morn youre cookin fore the sun.
Wednesday rain, youre only flamin higher,
Having your fun.

Lectropositive mama,
Cinders in your curls,
No way can compare you,
To ordinary girls.

Likin the explosions,
Rock you on your seat.
How can any woman handle
All that heat?

—Songs of Cesium #47

An eccentric physics professor is well known throughout campus for having strange tests which often border on the philosophical.

An ill-prepared student goes in for his final exam with this professor, racking his brain to keep all his formulas straight. He sits down, and the professor walks in to start the exam. Grinning, he sets a chair on his desk and writes the exams only question on the board: Prove that this chair does not exist. The student groans and drops his pencil, realizing that he hasnt any clue how to solve this problem. Deciding that if hes going to fail, hell do so with style, the student writes two words on his paper, turns it in, and gets the highest grade in the class.

His essay read simply, What chair?

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, Does this taste funny to you?

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as KKK.

The last words of a chemist:

19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25… 26… 27…

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!

At the physics exam: Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
A: The wave.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

The answer to the problem was log(1+x). A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didnt want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to timber(1+x)

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We dont have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we dont have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because its too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

The Marginal Basin Song by Chris Stillman
(melody: Lead us on, thou Heavenly Father)

On a margin runs a canyon down into the ocean dark;
Theres a basin slowly filling with detritus from the arc.

Refrain: For the drifting causes rifting,
Opens basins mighty fine
Which strike-slip will close in time.

With volcanics theres no problem; theyre erupting all the time;
Fill the thin with pillow lavas, sheeted dikes and serpentine.

Rising slowly from the ocean filled with gritties coarse and fine,
Are you fore-arc? Are you anti-arc? Are you just a geosyncline?