Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Brooklyn Version
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin,
(I had a gun unda my pillow.)
When up on da roof
I heard somethin pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, Ay! Keep it down!
When what to my
Wanderin eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin reindeer.
Wit a bad hackin cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin boot
On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin.
But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!
Archive for the ‘Seasonal / Holiday’ Category
A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?
You idiot! His father wrote back. Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you cant even SPELL!
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldnt lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
We are through, love!
And I said in so many words
Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,
Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!
And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winters nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
On
Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny
new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike youve got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid
a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took th
The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off
he said, "By the way, thats a nice horse you
got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure
did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to
put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,
7 pints of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
10 Ripened Mangos.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mangos.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
12 Bottles of Corona.
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mangos.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.