Seen on a local advertisement for a Christmas party awhile ago:
Scene:
A small boy stands agape on the stairway overlooking the living room.
A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white
toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the
boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.
Caption: Im sorry youve seen me, Billy. Now Ill have to kill you.
Q: How does Al Gores household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from The Twelve Days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.
Sincerely,
Santa
The Week Before Christmas
Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste
The mess that they made with it couldnt be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name
Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask
It was plain that she didnt feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?
You idiot! His father wrote back. Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you cant even SPELL!
A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday School today! There wasnt a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasnt there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourettes Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out Screw this! and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling Im here, the phantom of the opera until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Dont forget to use the phrase Told you so.
50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.
Some time ago, someone had posted an article saying how the existance of Santa Claus was impossible. I took this article and sent it to a number of friends on campus. Somehow, it got to one of the professors on campus by the name of Ted Davis. He wrote the following reply.
Dear Mr. Crowell:
The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is, as you say, essentially east to west.
All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary application of Heisenbergs uncertainty principle yields the result that Santas location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is smeared out over the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is smeared out within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.
In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black holes, and who really doubts their existence anymore?
Hence, to sum up my reply: Yes, Virginia, there is a Bob Knight, and there is an Indiana. Now, what were we talking about…?
Yrs sincerely,
E.B. Davis, Ph.D., A.B.D., I.D.I.O.T., Fellow
Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and the witty answers that go with them. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower… Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer youve consumed… Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only three thousand miles, so youll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October… Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what? Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us… Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples garages, and most national parks… Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas. Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but well see what we can do when you get here. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Nope, only on Tuesdays LOL. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one…there are no rattlesnakes in Australia. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise!