Old Jokes | New Jokes

Two rednecks decide that they arent going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.

Whats Logic? the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?

I sure do.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replies the
professor.

Thats real good! says the redneck.

The professor continues, Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house.

Impressed, the redneck says, Amazin!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously
catching on.

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever
heard! I cant wait to take that logic class!

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into
the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

So what classes are ya takin? asks the friend.

Math, History, and Logic! replies the first redneck.

What in tarnation is logic?! asks his friend.

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? asks the first
redneck.

No, his friend replies.

Logically thinkin youre queer, aint ya?

See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy about
Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.
Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time. Funny, funny Mother.

See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all done. See
the children watch T.V. Watch children, watch. See the children change their
minds. See them ask Santa for different toys. Look, look, Mother is not
smiling. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will make
robes. Mother will make shirts. Look … Mother put the zipper in wrong.
See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See Mother cut the skirt too
short. See Mother put the material away until January. Look, look, see
Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy candied
pineapple and powdered sugar. See Mother buy flour and dates and pecans and
brown sugar and bananas and spice and vanilla. Look, Look, Mother is mixing
everything together. See the children press out the cookies. See the flour
on their elbows. See the cookies burn. See the cake fall. See the children
pull taffy. See Mother pulls her hair. See Mother cleans the kitchen with
the garden hose. Funny, funny, Mother.

See Mother. See Mother wrap presents. See Mother look for the end of the
scotch tape roll. See Mother bites her fingernails. See Mother go. See
Mother goes to the store for the 12th time in one hour. See Mother go. See
Mother goes faster. Run Mother, run! See Mother trims the tree. See Mother
has a party. See Mother makes popcorn. See Mother scrubs the rug. See Mother
tears up the organized plan. See Mother forgets the gift for Uncle Harold.
See Mother gets the hives! Go Mother Go! See the far-away look in Mothers
eyes. Mother is disorganized. Mother is disoriented. Funny, funny Mother.

It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family. See Father smile.
Father is happy. Smile Father Smile! Father loves the fruitcake. Father
loves the Christmas pudding. Father loves his new neckties. Look, look. See
the happy children. See the childrens toys. Santa was very good to the
children. The children will remember this Christmas. See Mother. Mother is
slumped in a chair. Mother is crying uncontrollably. Mother does not look
well. Mother has ugly dark circles under her blood shot eyes. Everyone helps
Mother to bed. Mother sleeps quietly under heavy sedation. See Mother smile!

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me …

A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter … Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me …

On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didnt. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3 curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me …

A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me …

The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boys blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You havent seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me …

I forget what, she ate it so quickly. I do remember all the clean up afterwards though. Yuck!

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me …

The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesnt have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me …

Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldnt get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me …

My Christmas card list when she walked across my computers delete key. Cost for call to Computer Countrys 900/help line: $17.50. And I still dont know what happened to the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me …

The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldnt be such a disaster if she hadnt previously stolen the power knob. I missed a weeks worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, Its a Wonderful Life. Rental of Its a Wonderful Life: $2; purchase of book, Good owners, great cats: $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me …

The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece? Cost: Christmas Dinner.

On the 12th day of Christmas …

Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-right or Naw.
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt.
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++.
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag.
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now, heeah?
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz.
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse.
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire…
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

You attempt to change lanes on the freeway by strafing left.
You keep trying to pick things up by walking over them.
You eat the blue and green balls off the Christmas tree.
You feel lousy and look down for the status bar.
You grab your kids backpack and cant believe its empty!?
Your desk at work is piled with paper because you refuse get too
close to the recycle barrel.
The only way your spouse can get your attention is to throw tomatoes
at you.
Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key.
Your desk is wearing away right in front of the arrow keys.
You back-up your DOOM files daily.
You try to double click on every door in the house.
You use the alarm clock to tell you when to GO to bed.
Your seat cushion doesnt return to normal upright position.
You dress up as your favourite DOOM character for Halloween
(and your friends still know who you are).
You will try to turn to get out of chair by moving the trackball in that
direction before you stand up.
You expect every door to open up, not in. (this can be quite painful
sometimes)
You throw open the door to your house, jump backwards, and shoot
your mailman.
When on your way to work you scan the streets for medkits and ammo.
Going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly
to see what follows you out.
You dont worry so much about getting hurt, since youll probably
pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere.
Watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch.
You start side-stepping into rooms.
You push on walls as you walk down the hall, looking for secret entrances.
You reach for your chainsaw when your wifes cold gives her the sniffles.
You instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work.
You look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator.
You cant stop squinting as you walk around your house.
You think you can actually walk through walls.
The border and status area are burned into your monitor.
You know ALL the ID codes by heart.

Twas the Night After Christmas

by Jeff Foxworthy

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they werent talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.

My wife couldnt argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin,
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.

I said, Claus, I dont know nobody named Claus,
and you aint taking me in without probable cause.

Then the Sheriff he said, The man was shot at last night.
I said, That might have been me, just whats he look like?

The Sheriff replied, Hes a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.
I said, Sheriff that sounds like my wifes sister Sherri.

Its no time for jokes Roy the Sheriff he said.
The man Im describing is dressed all in red.

Im here for the truth now, its time to come clean.
Tell me what youve done, tell me what youve seen.

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldnt have been the first time that Ive spent New Years in jail.

I said, Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFOs.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Reds gutter.

Well my hands were a shakin as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Reds chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin.
I thought hed stolen Reds stuff while old Red was out bowling.

So I yelled, Drop fat boy, hands in the air!
But he went about his business like he hadnt a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.

And as he flew off I heard him extort,
Thats assault with intent Roy, Ill see ya in court.

God is as real as I am, the old man said.
My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A 12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin tickets

10 tins of Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of Red Man

6 cans of Spam

5 flannel shirts

4 big mud tires

3 shotgun shells

2 huntin dawgs

and some parts to a Mustang GT.

The pet store was selling them for $5 a piece. I thought that odd since they
were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the
mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was
Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept
punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.
I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds
and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its
novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all
died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kind of like when
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didnt know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on
the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200
throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had
one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while,
that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didnt want to call
the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was
only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30
seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my
freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasnt
improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasnt allowed
to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldnt
take that one either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends
didnt know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could
tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

This is from my Uncle George, whos retired USAF. (US Air Force)

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation
Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA
examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses,
the landing gear, and Rudolfs nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santas
weight and balance calculations for sleds enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santas surprise, a shotgun.

Whats that for? asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, Im not supposed to tell you this, but
youre gonna lose an engine on takeoff.