Old Jokes | New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck story?

A: A fairy tale begins once upon a time, while a redneck story begins you guys aint gonna believe this, but …

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeers hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, You know, I think youre the first reindeer Ive ever seen in here.

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, Im the last reindeer youll see in here.

Okay, Im a hypocrite. (Hippycrite?) Sue me. I used to like Christmas back then. Besides, it took me ages to find this, so you are getting it whether you want it or not.

From the Bench Racer 1962, stolen from the Foothills Street Rod Association at fsra.org

YULESVILLE

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the pad,
Not a hep cat was swinging - and thats nowhere, dad,

The stove was hung up in that stocking routine,
Like, maybe the fat man would soon make the scene.

The kids that fell by had just made the street;
I was ready for Snoresville, and man, was I beat;

When there started a rumble that came on real frantic,
So I opened the window to figure the panic.

I saw a slick rod that was making fat tracks,
Souped up by eight ponies, all wearing hat racks;

And a funny old geezer was flipping his lid.
He told them to make it, and man, like they did!

They were out of the chute, making time like a bat,
Turning the quarter in eight seconds flat.

They parked by the smokestack in bunches and clusters,
And Chubby slid down, coming on like gangbusters,

His threads were from Cubesville and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back, was his Ivy league buckle!

And the mop on his chin had a button-down collar,
And with that red nose he looked like a baller.

Like he was the squarest, the most absolute,
But lets face it, who cares when he left all that loot?

He laid the jazz on me and peeled from the gig,
Wailing, Have a cool Yule, Man! and clutched off in his rig.

The sardarni asks her lover, santa dear, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?.

Sure, replies santa. Whats your phone number.

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.



Cuzz the cat had pounced on him

And tore him apart -

Ate his mouse intestines

And chewed up his heart.



Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,

Which made him take pause -

He stopped daintily licking

The blood from his claws.



Must be Santa, thought Kitty

(That quite clever cat)

Cuz nobody else climbs down

The chimney like that.



Indeed it was ol Santa

So jolly and fat

With a huge load of presents

And all for the cat!



Wow, the best Christmas ever!

Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball

And shed some more fur!

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++

11. Winders95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word

13. Instead of latte carts wed have grits carts

14. New Shutdown wav: Yall come back now, Yah hear?

15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz

16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans-Am

17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire

20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard

21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator

22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

23. Instead of asking where do you want to go today? its more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?

24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad

101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.

2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

3. Cucumbers wont tell you size doesnt count.

4. Cucumbers dont get too excited.

5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.

6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket…. and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

9. With a cucumber you can get a single room…. and you wont have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.

10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber…. and see the movie.

12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber…. and you can stay in the front seat.

13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.

14. A cucumber wont eat all the popcorn…. or send you out for Milk Duds.

15. A cucumber wont drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.

16. A cucumber wont ask: Am I the first?.

17. A cucumber doesnt care if youre a virgin.

18. Cucumbers wont tell other cucumbers youre a virgin.

19. Cucumbers wont tell anyone youre not a virgin anymore.

20. With a cucumber you dont have to be a virgin more than once.

21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

22. Cucumbers wont pout if you have a headache.

23. Cucumbers wont care what time of the month it is.

24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.

25. Cucumbers wont give it up for Lent.

26. With a cucumber you never have to say youre sorry.

27. Afterwards, a cucumber wont: …want to shake hands and be friends.

28. …say, Ill call you a cab.

29. …tell you hes not the marrying kind.

30. …tell you he is the marrying kind.

31. …call his ex-wife or therapist.

32. …take you to confession.

33. Cucumbers dont leave you wondering for a month.

34. Cucumbers wont make you go to the drugstore.

35. Cucumbers wont tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

37. A cucumber wont work your crossword with ink.

38. A cucumber isnt allergic to your cat.

39. With a cucumber you dont have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.

40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.

41. A cucumber wont eat all your food or drink all your liquor.

42. A cucumber doesnt turn your bathroom into a library.

43. A cucumber wont go through your medicine chest.

44. A cucumber doesnt use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.

45. Cucumbers wont leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

46. Cucumbers wont write your name and number on the mens room wall.

47. Cucumbers dont have sex hangups.

48. Cucumbers wont make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.

49. Cucumbers arent into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.

50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

53. Cucumbers wont ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?

54. Cucumbers arent jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.

55. A cucumber wont want to join your sports group.

56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

57. Cucumbers arent into meaningful conversations.

58. Cucumbers wont ask about your Last Lover…. or speculate about your next one.

59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.

60. A cucumber wont mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.

61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

62. Cucumbers dont leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.

63. A cucumber wont give you a hickey.

64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night…. and you wont have to sleep on the wet spot.

65. Cucumbers dont leave dirty shorts on the floor.

66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

67. A cucumber doesnt flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.

68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

69. Cucumbers dont compare you to a center fold.

70. Cucumbers dont count to 10.

71. Cucumbers dont tell you they liked you better with long hair.

72. A cucumber will never leave you … …for another woman.

73. …for another man.

74. …for another cucumber.

75. A cucumber will never call and say I have to work late, Honey, and then come home smelling like another woman.

76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.

77. You always know where a cucumber has been.

78. A cucumber never has to call the wife.

79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.

80. A cucumber wont leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

81. Cucumbers dont play the guitar and try to find themselves.

82. You wont find out later that your cucumber … …is married.

83. …is on penicillin.

84. …likes you - but loves your brother.

85. A cucumber doesnt have softball practice on the day you move.

86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.

87. A cucumber wont ask for a promotion just when youre up for a promotion.

88. Cucumbers dont care if you make more money than they do.

89. Cucumbers wont wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.

90. A cucumber wont leave town on New Years Eve.

91. A cucumber wont take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.

92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.

93. A cucumber doesnt care if you always spent the holidays with your family.

94. A cucumber wont ask to be put through Med School.

95. A cucumber wont tell you hes outgrown you intellectually.

96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

97. Cucumbers dont say Lets keep trying until we have a boy.

98. A cucumber wont insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.

99. Its easy to drop a cucumber.

100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

Genetically discriminating - racistGeological correction - earthquakeGerontologically advanced - oldGovernment employee - stupidGrammatically challenged - one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spellingGravitationally challenged - fatHorizontally challenged - thinHorizontally gifted - fatIn denial - unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened in recovery - drunk/junkieIntellectually impaired - stupidLaw enforcement officer - policemanLiving impaired - deadMaintenance hole - man-holeMale gender biased - prefers men who shave their chestsMechanically challenged - broken down automobileMelanin-impoverished - whiteMetabolically challenged - deadMicroslothically challenged - windows userMonetarily challenged - poorMorally (ethically) challenged - a crookMorally handicapped - someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zoneMotivationally dispossessed - lazyMusically delayed - tone deafNasally disadvantaged - really big noseNasally gifted - runny noseNasally gifted - large noseNitpicklike - humor challengedOne who is pc - target practiceOntologically challenged - fictional or mythologicalOsmotically challenged - thirstyOther aged - too old/young (dual purpose)Outdoor urban dwellers - homelessParking enforcement aduciator - meter maidPeople of height - too tallPerson of region - redneck

Its a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks… but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
Attach it to a ruler and presto! - youve got a fly swatter.
Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case… the rich nerd look is IN this year).
Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Bookmark.
Mini frisbee.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Dart board.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
Conversation piece for coffee table.
Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
Clay pigeons for target practice.
Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
Firewood.
Bird house.
Paper weights.
Pen holders (make a box without a top).
Post-it notes holder.
Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
Keep em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon - actually works).
Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your cars hood).
Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
Hand them out as party favors.
Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe… who would want an AOL disk?).
Vertical blinds.
Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
Bench press weights (I can press 120).
Grind em up and refertilize the front lawn.
The new Dominos stuffed-crust pizza filling.
Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
Brake shoes.
House insulation.
Recycle them for the scrap metal.
Kitchen tile for Bill Gates new mansion in Seattle (walk all over the competition).
Hockey Puck.
Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk… makes the perfect pet.
Poker chips.
Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the write-protect holes and youve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
Mail to 10 friends - start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
Dental floss (use actual disk).
Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
Use them to fill potholes.
Hood ornament.
Snow blower replacement blades.
Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
Rubiks cube case (make into box).
Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
Snack trays (great for holding hors doeuvres at parties).
Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who get you mad.
Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2 apart and apply honey to disks).
Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector - thanks, Lewis).
They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbors back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Wax scraper for snowboards.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas…).
Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
Baby mobile.
Fence (may need a few thousand).
Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

SYDNEY (Sydney Morning Herald, 02-15)
A lawyer charged a woman client $26 (Australian) for opening and reading a Christmas card she had sent him. He billed her an additional $26 for calling and thanking her for sending him the card.

ISTANBUL (Reuter, 02-11)
Turkish thieves stole 210 pairs of shoes from outside the Vali Kamil Acun mosque, as Muslim worshipers were praying inside.

BOGOTA (Reuters, 02-05)
Six family members were stabbed to death by thieves who stole a clay piggy bank containing about $150 in coins.