Old Jokes | New Jokes

It was de night jus right befo Christmas an all down de bayou, errytang was quiet; not even a nutria go pitty pat in de waduh. An inside my house, me an my wife was flat poop out from all dat Christmas preparatin, an was jes bout ready to retire for de night. Le petit garcon an la petite fille, dat is our little boy an our little girl, was already fas asleep on dere moss mattress an visions of de Fais Do Do dance tru dere heads, dem lil darlins. Dem long john was hung by de log burner wit care in hope dat St. Nicholas soon would brought hisself dere … Now dat de scene is set, Quest-ce qui se passe?

Well, out dere on de bayou dere arose such a clatter, I jump from my bed to see what was de matter. I run like de rabbit to got to de door, an I trip on de dog an fall on de floor. But, when I got dere finally, an push away de sack an peek tru de crack an look in de far away, what you tought I saw! Well, you can tought youself again cause you aint goin believe dis, no! De moon, she was magnifique how she shine on de cypress tree an reflect off de bayou. An coming right up to me at my house was dis great big fancy pirogue being drewed along by eight great big ole alimagator! Inside, a little old driver in Santa Claus costume was movin along like some crawfish done snuck up his culottes. Fas like de duck he fly, an call out to his alimagator like so: Got yourself a move on, Alphonse, Gaston, Raul, Pierre. You see, he call dem each by name. Come on, Etienne, Alois, Alcide, an Bozo. Ill make soup out you tail if you dont got yourself a move on! You is some slow alimagator, yeah!

Well, its up on de rooftop dem alimagator dey climb; Saint Nick, in his pirogue, hes right behind. An up on de rooftop, it sound like de hail when dem big alimagator dey flop down dere tail! As I tought in my head, What is he up dere for?, down the chimney Santa Claus come wit a bang and land right on dem red hot coal in de fireplace! Man, he got out dat fireplace some fast, I guarantee! An, I got to see Santa Claus, an I check him out pretty good cause you dont got to see him in you house, you know, jus erry day! He was all dress up in dried muskrat from his head to his foot, an his clothes was all mess up wit ashes an soot. A sack full of playting he had on hung his back; he look like a peddler what was jus about ready to open up his pack. He had a broad grin an a round little belly dat shook when he laugh like a bowl full of jelly. His eyes, how dey shine; his dimples how merry! He look like he bin drinking de wine from de blackberry. Wit a wink of his eye an a jerk of his head, I guarantee you I know I aint got nuttin to be fraid of, no! Well, he went fast to his work an fill dem long john wit erreyting what you could tought of an, when he fini, he lay both hand on top his head; he look at dat fireplace and done said, Wit all dat fire an dem red hot coal, I aint going back dat way, dats for sure! So, its right out de front door he go. He climb up on de roof and sprung to his pirogue an crack his big whip. Dem big alimagator, dey move out an not one make a slip. An I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, an dis is what I want to pass along to you, dis lesson what I learn from what happen to me like Im told you from las year; I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

Star Trek Carols



Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let It Snow)

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,

Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,

But still we must boldly go–

Make it so, make it so, make it so!





William Riker: (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heres a vexing Christmas riddle:

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

Why must I play second fiddle?

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

How can I impress Deanna

(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)

When Im number two banana?

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)





Wesley Crusher: (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Im at Starfleet Academy,

And Id just like to say

I miss the opportunity

To weekly save the day–

To make things worse, I have to be

In some dumb Christmas play!

Yes, Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy,

Only a boy,

And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!





Data: (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle all the way!

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh–

or so I am reliably informed lacking a subjective

and intuitively perceived referent for the term fun,

I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced

by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the–

yes, sir.





Worf: (to be to the tune of White Christmas)

Im dreaming of a dead Pakled,

Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.

They all think theyve hidden,

But this one didnt,

And Im using him as bait.

Im dreaming of a dead Pakled–

Their mental skills are rather lame.

May your foes die sonless, in shame–

And I hope youre wishing me the same!

Q: How many rednecks does take to eat possum?

A: Three. One to eat it and two to look out for cars.

Mrs. Sally is a very strict second grade teacher who doesn’t want the kids in her class to use baby words, so when Christmas break comes around she tells her students that she wants them to use big people words over the break. When they come back Mrs. Sally asks the students, “so does anyone have a story from break they want to share?”
Little Molly raises her hand and answers, “I went to my papa and nana’s house.”
Mrs. Sally gets upset and says, “Molly, we do not say papa and nana we say grandparents!”
Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Joe raises his hand and says, “I rode in a choo choo.”
Again Mrs. Sally gets frustrated and tells her students that you do not say choo choo you say train. Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Billy raises his hand.
“And what did you do over break Billy?” Asks Mrs. Sally
“Well me and my mom read Winnie the sh*t over break.”

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, Just say NO to crack! and it reminds you to pull up your pants!

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,



Crossbeed Dogs:



Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet



Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries



Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed



Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog



Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle



Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists



Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors



Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes



Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly



Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesnt matter anyway



Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work



Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog thats true to the end

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in her kitchen, listening to her son play with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause were leaving.

The mother went in and told her son, we dont use that kind of language in this house. Now, go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the room and resumed playing with the train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey. For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of Sweating to the Oldies over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now.
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up! and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog Dog.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with Thats what YOU think.
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off in case the big one comes.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as Feliz Navidad, the Archies Sugar or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that youve borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to interface with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your superior mental processing.
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!
* Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a magic picture.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate crop circles in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend tricorder and scan people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - itll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you cant get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing I love you, you love me at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that Id wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptations removed Ill get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning Ill starve … til I take that first bite.