Old Jokes | New Jokes

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolfs nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santas weight and balance calculations for the sleds enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seat-belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santas surprise, a shotgun.

Whats that for? Santa asked.

The examiner winked and said, Well, Im not supposed to tell you this, but youre going to lose an engine during take-off.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a frontal lobotomy.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two cases of Prozac.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three stays at the hospital.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four group sessions.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five self help books.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six restraining orders.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven counts of harrassment.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight cries for help.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine attempts to escape.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten ripped off fingernails.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven body pieces.

On the twelth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

twelve life sentences,

eleven body pieces,

ten ripped off fingernails,

nine attempts to escape,

eight cries of help,

seven counts of harrassment,

six restraining orders,

five self help books,

four group sessions,

three stays at the hospital,

two cases of Prozac,

and a frontal lobotomy.

Or, was that today? uh oh …

People say, Merry Christmas! or Happy New Year! before giving you the finger.
Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive holly.
People pray even when theyre not in the back seat of a cab.
If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls.
Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit on their lap.
Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for $100.
Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
Police investigate the seasons first sleigh-jacking.
Strangers greet each other with I got your Yule log right here.
Two words: Crack nog.

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early

weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is

one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an

afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and

humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe

squall or cold shoulder.


During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a

knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation

of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift

across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots

on the other. Please pass the gravy.


A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for

the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the

beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and

taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the

refrigerator.


Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat

sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be

expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup

late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup

develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as

the only wish left will be the bone.

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:

1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp — forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you dont have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help — eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets — 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 p.m.Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp.
3:30 p.m.Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp for bullets.
4:01 p.m.Load gun. Leave camp again.
5:00 p.m.Empty gun on squirrel thats bugging you.
6:00 p.m.Arrive at camp — see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 p.m.Load gun.
6:02 p.m.Fire gun.
6:03 p.m.Hit pick up.
6:06 p.m.Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
6:07 p.m.Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:08 p.m.Fall into campfire.
6:10 p.m.Change clothes. Throw burned ones in fire.
6:16 p.m.Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 p.m.Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 p.m.Begin walking.
6:35 p.m.Stumble and fall — drop gun in mud.
6:40 p.m.Meet bear.
6:42 p.m.Fire gun, blow up barrel — plugged with mud.
6:43 p.m.Wet pants.
6:44 p.m.Climb tree.
9:00 p.m.Bear departs. Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midnHome at last!
Sunday:Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces. Place into envelope. Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where to place it!

There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.

The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.



The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said I got $5.00!



What do I get for $5.00?



The lady spoke over the intercom and said Ginger– take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!



The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.



The oter two rednecks said Man, what did you get for $5.00?



The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.



This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?



The lady spoke over the intercom and said Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!



The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.



The other two rednecks met him and asked Man, what did you get for $10.00?



The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.



This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?



The lady turned on the intercom again and said Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!



The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.



Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, Man, why are you so sad. What couldve went wrong? You had $15.00?



The 3rd redneck said, Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself.

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,


7 pints of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


11 boxes of Chicklets.


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


12 Bottles of Corona.


11 boxes of Chicklets.


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

Dear Lee,

My Doctor and I went singing Christmas Carols last night … it was SO much fun!! He had a brand new song book that we used, with many new versions of old favorites. Some of our other friends came also: Alphonse and his voices Ned, Peter, Daniel, Grimace, June, and Butch/Bitch (hee hee, even his *voices* have voices!); Gringo (you remember Gringo?), but they wouldnt let him out of the jacket; and Nutty Nadine, along with a few others. Everyone was asking for you, wondering when youd be back … except for Nadine of course - she still says thats YOUR baby!

Heres a little preview for you from Dr. R. Terrycloths new songbook:

Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:
I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and …
or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality:
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia:
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry.
Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill Tell You Why

Depression:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia.
All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive:
On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave To Me… (And Then She Took it All Away!!)

Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, Ill be seeing you when your prescription runs out, Im sure!

you better !pout !cry
you better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep bad | good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
santa claus < north pole > town

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, What does love mean?

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldnt bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. Thats love.
- Rebecca, age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.
- Billy, age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
- Karl - age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
- Chrissy - age 6

Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you dont yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.
- Samantha - age 6

Love is what makes you smile when youre tired.
- Terri - age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
- Danny - age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
- Emily - age 8

Love is whats in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
- Bobby - age 5

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
- Nikka - age 6

Love is hugging, Love is kissing, Love is saying no
- Patty - age 8

When you tell someone something bad about yourself and youre scared they wont love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more.
- Matthew - age 7

There are two kinds of love. Our love. Gods love. But God makes both kinds of them.
- Jenny - age 4

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
- Noelle - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
- Tommy - age 6

During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasnt scared anymore.
- Cindy - age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You dont see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
- Clare - Age 5

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
- Elaine - age 5

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
- Chris - age 8

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
- Mary Ann - age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
- Lauren - age - 4

I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.
- Bethany - age 4

Love cards like Valentines cards say stuff on them that wed like to say ourselves, but we wouldnt be caught dead saying.
- Mike - age 8

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
- Karen - age 7

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesnt think its gross.
- Ma rk - age 6

You really shouldnt say I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
- Jessica - age 8

Love is that first feeling you feel before all