Old Jokes | New Jokes

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID:

Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill Tell You Why

DEPRESSION:

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, …….. (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

From rec.humor.funny

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.

The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collettes plotting his revenge–if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkels mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.

He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didnt like them. So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins miserable, wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the bale to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collettes name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracons outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

This will take some planning, Collette said. I will definitely get them out. Im confident. But hes waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

Wait until next year, he warned. Im on the offensive again.

They had a shouting contest recently in Tokyo (the article I read was dated Dec 15).

1st prize: I will do karate for the rest of my life!
25-year-old Hiroyuki Sugano was slightly louder than a a car horn from 6 feet.

2nd: Tomi-baby, let me cut your eyebrows!
Mamiko Kobayashi, 20-year-old co-ed referring to the bushy-browed prime minister of Japan.

Unique Prize: Stop smooching on the train! Why dont you people go home!
Tomoyuki Fukumura, 104.7-decibel reference to the public kissing trend.

I want work!
Yuriko Shimode, comic artist

Its so cold in winter - buy me a stove!
Hideki Matsui

I couldnt sleep this summer because it was so hot and I didnt have an air conditioner!
Koji Fukuda

There are couples all through my town at Christmas time! Hey Santa, next time bring me a girlfriend!
Tsunehiro Miyazaki (Christmas is a time for a glamorous date in Japan.)

Im sick of being a Single Bell at Christmas!
Reiji Toma

Both are very popular at Christmas

But it is not generally considered cruel

To abandon a log

And dogs are rarely used as fuel

–John Hegley, Can I Come Down Now Dad?

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

PARANOID:

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry,

Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …

… (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

The Holiday Nightmare

(to the tune of Santa Claus is comming to town.)

You better give up
On Christmas this year–
You havent a chance
With relatives here–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyre bringing thier kids
To add to your fun–
Theyre staying ten days;
You thought it was one–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyll monopolize your bathroom;
Theyll destroy your sol-i-tude;
They will eat you out of house and
home,
Then complain about the food.

Theyre only one way
To save your No-el–
You give em your house;
You take a hotel–
Sam and Roz are comming to town.

Her arms laden with Christmas gifts, Mrs. Douglas remembered she had forgetten to mail a card to her childhood frriend Faye. Buying a card and dashing into the post office, she bought a first class stamp.

Excuse me, she said, her arms aching. but must I put that on myself?

No maam, deadpanned the clerk, it goes on the envelope.

Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?

A. Never fired, and only dropped once.

Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?

A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. Why is Italian bread so long?

A. So they can dip it into the sewer.

Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?

A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.

Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?

A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?

A. Usually through the skylight…

RAINY web

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of

shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have

seen the people scatter in the meat department.

This is an invaluable tool for grading the Redneck experience in immigrants and visitors from the North. This test really cant be cheated on … either you know it or you dont. One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas rednecks typically score around 20+.

How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
What was the number and color of Richard Pettys cars?
Bill Dance is good at what?
What university does Bill Dance root for?
Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?
What is a chigger?
What is scrapple?
Where is The Redneck Riviera?
Whats that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _______________.
Whats the common name for a bowfin?
If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Who sang Your Cheatin Heart?
What are grits made out of?
Who was nicknamed The Bear?
Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Who was Andy Taylors love interest?
What are the radio station call letters that carries The Grand Ol Opry?
Where would you find Vidalia County?
What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
What is a scuppernong?
Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Why do you want to eat high on the hog?
What color is a John Deere?
What do you call the offspring of a mule?
What will you harvest when you plant shade?

Score 3 points per correct answer. Youre given 1 point to start.