Old Jokes | New Jokes

Q: WHATS GROSSER THEN GROSS A:A GIRL DOING THE SPLITS AND STICKING TO THE FLOOR.

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“Ive never been with a woman,” he says. “But if its anything like screwing a kangaroo Im gonna need all the room I can get!”

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, I have some very bad news for you. Im afraid that youre afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.

So the guy asks, Well isnt there ANYTHING I can do, doc?

Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths. The doctor tells the patient.

Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?

Probably not… but at least youll get used to being covered in dirt!

a man decided to go out fishing. while he was fishing his pole started to yank hard. so the man started wheeling in as fast and hard as he could. he saw the fish and it was pretty big.he said to himself ooo i can take this one home for dinner. then the fish sayed… if u free me i will grant u 3 wishes…BUT!…on your wishes your neighbor will have twice as much. so the man sayed ok…i wish to have a huge beautiful house.BOOM! theres a huge beautiful house house. but he sees his neighbor with two huge beautiful houses…so the man gets kinda jealous but o well. so goes on to his next wish…i wish had a nice red ferrari ok BOOM! there it is but he sees his neighbor with 2 of them! now this guy is really mad and says i wish i wish i had 1 of my testicles removed. ok ..BOOM! then he hears a big scream comming from hi s neighbor i think u get y.

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks.

The woman says, Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.

The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!

Whats brown and sits in the forest?

Winnies Pooh.

Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend?

Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?

I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!

Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison….. and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, NOOO..! Whats the matter? asked the wife, Did I hurt you?

No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.