Old Jokes | New Jokes

Resumania is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consultings parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates resumes, job applications and cover letters. Heres some examples:

I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise. (And an eye on the e section of the dictionary, evidently.)

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.(No problem …)

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. (Glad to hear it.)

I am very detail-oreinted. (With the possible exception of spelling)

I can play well with others. (Well be sure to tell your mommy.)

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. (A new twist on work-family balance.)

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales. (Have you considered law school?)

My salary requirement is $34 per year. (They say money isnt everything.)

Served as assistant sore manager. (Ouch.)

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle. (So youre willing to travel?)

I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live. (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job. (Were glad youre not bitter.)

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner dont do wonders cleaning this up, Ill eat every chunk of it.

She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup with that?

The salesman says, Why do you ask?

She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned on yet.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, Its the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The towns fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
Hysteria and Posteriors.

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

No go, so they tried:
Catatonics and High Colonics.

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.:

Still not good, so they tried:
Minds and Behinds.

Still no go. Nor did:
Analysis and Anal Cysts,
Nuts and Butts,
Freaks and Cheeks or
Loons and Moons work either, so they finally settled on:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!

The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.

The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

These are responses you may use when caught slepping on the job:

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!

I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken…

Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot…

… in Jesus name. Amen.

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, Now, in the living room, Id like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, Green side up!

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, In the dining room Id like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy. The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells Green side up! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, In the bedroom, Id like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells Green side up!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window Green side up. What on earth does that mean?

The contractor shakes his head and says, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, Really? Even with all the fluctuations?

He said, Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a classified ad: Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a classified ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.