14
Oct

Computer Nightmares

Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From?
by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94
(All these really happened to me since 1983.)

1. My hard disk wont boot. I suggest they take the floppy
out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully
removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk
still inside).

2. My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any
DOS programs. Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer.
When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering
Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback
was heard by the dog.

3. Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape
backup. Can you help me restore the system. No problem.
When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and
that she had never run a backup. I thought you just shoved
in the tape and it sucked up the data.

4. How do I get on the national data information super highway?
I ask if he has accounts on any bbss. He has Netcom, Compuserve,
and others. I tell him hes already on the highway.
Is that all there is? I hangup.

5. Whats the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily
from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles? Answer: FedEx.

6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward.
I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors
and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The
2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more
connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them
for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.

7. What kind of hard disk do you have? Well… Its black
with a little red light … (groan).

8. Most common support call. I lost my CMOS setup. How many
heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?

9. I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves
an inch or so on the screen and stops.
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.

10. My systems on fire. What do I do?
Ummmmm. Turn it off? (Click)

11. Most hated support call: Im not sure if we need a computer
system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS,
Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc…?

12. Favorite software support call: I just installed Word 6.0
for Windows. Its really big and slow. How much will it cost
to upgrade my machine?

13. My floppy drive wont read disks. I suggest they clean out
the dust from the drive. I cant. Huh? The dust wont move.
I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that
all the dust was glued in place.

14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room
and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately
sprays everything with dust.

15. My printer stopped working. Turn it upside down and shake
out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.

16. Can you teach me how to use a computer?
I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I dont use them.

17. The company motto: If this stuff worked, you wouldnt need me.

18. From one of my smarter clients:
Why is something broken every time youre here?

19. Im trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to
take out ALL the jumpers. How many did you take out? 12.
(What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).

20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up
surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes
that Im not in their database and could she have my address and phone
numbers. No problem. Im then transfered to the customer service
department which notes that Im not in the database and asks for the
same information. The customer service person transfers me to the
the parts department which notes that Im not in the database etc…
Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech
support who notes that Im not in the database etc… The manual
arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional
literature with exactly the same name and address.

21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support:
What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?

22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service),
now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that
you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the
service operator answers. I wonder what happens if theyre different?

23. Email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

24. Fax back information service for additional information from
one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog
page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.

25. Email autoreply from support@_______.com
Thank you for your support request.
(drivel deleted)
Please refer to support request number:
Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
(4 lines of garbage deleted)
in future correspondence. Your request will be processed
in the order received.
(more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)

26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
I cant answer that, please call your dealer.
I am the dealer.
Then call your distributor
He said for me to call you
Then have the customer call us
AAAAAGH! <click>

27. Modems and payphones dont mix. I hotwired my laptop into the
mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on
a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to
interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer
to steal money from the payphone.

28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot
was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same
was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.

29. My hard disk has a virus! How can you tell, I ask?
When I type DIR, it says VIRUS <DIR> and some date stuff.
(Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).

30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the
screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).

31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and
have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi
air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up
the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the
high pressure.

32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. Thats the cardboard
disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives
have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent
than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.

33. Whats the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator
and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Dont use
a vacuum to clean your computer.

34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th
time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take
action. I suggested they install child proof plastic plugs in
any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the
chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof
plugs hot stampled with Protected. I gave instructions to
install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the
maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded
to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny
was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three
years later, they are still appearing.

35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser
printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in
black pattens, gears, and rollers.

36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I
now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine
the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers,
light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds
to the entertainment value.

37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device
driver library for every conceivable board ever made?

38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer: The drive stopped working.
I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside.
I added some oil but it didnt help.

39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.

40. Favorite error message: Out of paper on drive D:
This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and
a defective AT/IO card.

41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased
my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable
antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: Do you have an
antique computer desk? He looks at me with a strange look and
says: They didnt have computers when this stuff was made.

42. When 3.5 floppies first appeared, some users were confused
with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted
to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes.
He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it
with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25 floppy.

43. Favorite Windoze game: Guess what this icon does?

44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash
drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk
would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically
disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive
wouldnt spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of
the cash drawer and let it bounce.

45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I
see have stick on METALIZED labels that a quite good at shorting
traces. Ive fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short.
A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors
to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they
smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat
sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat
sink severely degrade its cooling value.

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