01
Jan

Cyber Relationship

CYBER BREAK UP LETTER

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),



I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:



_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of brb gotta pee took some of the romance out of it.



_____ Your use of the term the ol cyber ball and chain to refer to me has hurt my feelings.



_____ Ive found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.



_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:



· __ You typed: I remove my bra when you claimed to be a man.



· __ You typed: I enter you when you claimed to be a woman.



· __ You typed your own name at the end.



· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.



· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.



· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.



· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.



· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.



· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.



· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time youre spending on the computer.



· __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.



· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.



· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.



· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.



Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. Weve simply grown apart.



Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,



__ Sincerely,



__ Gleefully,



__ I have to go before the warden calls lights out,



__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,



__ Good riddance,



[Name or alias]

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