Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:

Merry Christmas to you and please dont worry. Im just fine considering that I cant breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. Ive sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope youll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so theyll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet shes never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, its time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but dont you worry about me. Im also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now dont you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is – the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

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