Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didnt live there.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long Id be gone. I said, The whole time.

So whats the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why dont they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If youre sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

Isnt Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings when theyre already finished? Shouldnt they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments when theyre all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know that you dont have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it that when a door is open, its ajar, but when a jar is open, its not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its 4s?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker whos married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isnt the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?