In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:

1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp — forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you dont have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help — eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets — 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 p.m.Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp.
3:30 p.m.Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp for bullets.
4:01 p.m.Load gun. Leave camp again.
5:00 p.m.Empty gun on squirrel thats bugging you.
6:00 p.m.Arrive at camp — see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 p.m.Load gun.
6:02 p.m.Fire gun.
6:03 p.m.Hit pick up.
6:06 p.m.Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
6:07 p.m.Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:08 p.m.Fall into campfire.
6:10 p.m.Change clothes. Throw burned ones in fire.
6:16 p.m.Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 p.m.Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 p.m.Begin walking.
6:35 p.m.Stumble and fall — drop gun in mud.
6:40 p.m.Meet bear.
6:42 p.m.Fire gun, blow up barrel — plugged with mud.
6:43 p.m.Wet pants.
6:44 p.m.Climb tree.
9:00 p.m.Bear departs. Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midnHome at last!
Sunday:Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces. Place into envelope. Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where to place it!